Good Bye 2007

I for one will be glad to say good bye to 2007. It wasn't a bad year. I had a lot of amazing experiences and a lot of great things happened to me. I bought my new place. I did the PWA Friends for Life Bike Rally. Work is now under control. I went to New York at Christmas. There were more challenges than I would have preferred. Those will be forgotten in time and I will be left with nothing but my happy memories. So thanks 2007 for the ride but I want to get off.

My Body

2007 is coming to a close and I have been giving some thought to what my goals for 2008 would be. For sure one of them will be getting back to the gym and yoga. A lot happened in 2007 that prevented me from going to the gym on a regular basis. I want to set realistic goals for myself. I was lying in bed last night trying to formulate the goal of going back to the gym. It isn't enough to have that as a goal. I needed to have more specific results attached to the goal. In trying to determine what the results were that I wanted I came to the conclusion that I wanted to look like I did when I was in my thirties. I have always been lean. The word skinny comes to mind, but I hate the word. I have always had a small waist. I still hover around 30 inches. After the bike ride I was back to a 28 inch waist. I haven't had a 28 inch waist since I was in my twenties. I had a toned, fit body in my thirties. People found me sexy. But here is life's colossal joke. I didn't want the body I had when I was in my thirties. I always wanted to be bigger. A muscle bound jock. That never happened. Where did the body go I used to hate. I want it back. I will never complain again about my body if I regain the body I once had and hated.

Sunday Morning in a Snow Globe

It is my favourite Sunday morning. There is something special about Sunday mornings when winter first starts. I have nowhere to go. I spend the morning sipping coffee, listening to music, putzing around my home. And there are big snow flakes swirling around outside my window. I am living in a snow globe. I love that.

Half the Moon

Half the moon is shining tonight,
Half the moon is pitch black.
Half the moon offers me hope,
Half the moon is my despair.
Half the moon washes over me with peace,
Half the moon tramples my troubled soul.
Half the moon is letting me go,
Half the moon is holding me back.
Half the moon is more than I need,
Half the moon is never enough.
Half the moon is all I see,
but the full moon will always be.

World Aids Day

Today is World Aids Day. As an HIV- man I am greatly affected by HIV/AIDS. I realize that there is a big difference between being affected vs being infected. I also remember the beginning. I was still very young. Just in my teens. I was sleeping with one of my high school teachers and one night at his place he brought out condoms before anal sex because of "things" that he was hearing. When I first moved to Toronto in the eighties sexual contact was fairly limited. Most people were scared. There was this thing called AIDS and there were no answers, just questions. The one thing that we should be able to do freely, sex, was no longer free. There was a very big price tag and no one was shopping. A lot has changed. And a lot hasn't. It will soon be thirty years. Thirty years and people still test positive everyday. There are still no answers. And I am still greatly affected by HIV. It is part of my daily life. I have volunteered at Casey House. This summer I did the PWA bike ride. I attend numerous fund raisers. I donate monthly to ACT. I had a lover who was HIV+. I have friends that have been positive for a long time and friends that have recently become infected. It impacts my dating life. I won't date someone who is HIV+. That always causes a reaction but I have no need to provide anyone with all the reasons why. As mentioned I had a lover who was HIV+ so you must realize that decision is also partly based on personal experience. Thirty years ago HIV/AIDS brought the gay community together. Now it has divided us on some level. There is an isolation and rejection that HIV+ men do experience. I am sorry for that. Throughout history there has always been war and diseases. That is why some people say that our time here on earth is hell and when we die that is heaven. I don't want to believe that. I don't want to see the world that way. I still want to believe in the good. As I go about my "normal" Saturday I will be having breakfast with a friend of mine who is HIV+ and then later on helping another friend with some chores who is also HIV+. So yes, although I am HIV-, HIV affects my life on a daily basis. And that is just here in my own little world in Toronto. I can't begin to wrap my head around the "World" in World Aids Day when my world aids day requires all my energy.

Letting Go

I used to say that 2006 was my year of letting it all go. And I let go of a lot of things but somehow the lesson wasn't learned fully. I find myself still holding on too way to many things. Current things. Events that have happened recently that weigh me down and don't add value to my life and in many ways can tend to be destructive to my inner soul. I want to be freer. I want to forgive quicker and let love flow through me. If it is what I want why does it continue to be that brass ring just out of reach? I continue to be something of a dreamer. Something of a fool. The person I need to stop and love the most is me. I commit to telling myself something I love about myself everyday. Today I love my feet. Lathered up in pepperment lotion in the morning and aveda foot cream in the evening. I walk almost everywhere. My feet love the special treatment I give them. The brass ring is getting closer. Someday when I finally grab it I promise to never let it go.

Straight-Menophobic

The trip to PV presented itself with lots of learning opportunites. I have always been "straight-menophobic". It probably stems from growing up gay and being bullied in school by straight boys. One tends to over generalize and assume that all straight men dislike you. I have always done well with straight women and have allowed my phobia to be a wall between myself and straight men. This has no doubt held me back at various points in my life. When in their company I find I have little to say. Can't really talk about cars, sports or girls. An internalized dialogue usually starts in my head about the fact that they won't like me. In PV I had the opportunity to socialize with a straight man from the States. He had a heating business, big hockey fan, liked cars, catholic and three kids. We didn't have much common ground. But everyday he choose to come over and sit with me for a couple of hours and "shoot the breeze". I realized that I am quite capable of carrying on a conversation with a straight man. So much so that he kept coming back. My world continues to open up and continues to get easier. This isn't to say that I am going out in search of befriending straight men around the world, but my phobia is gone. And that's a good thing.

We Are All One

I just got back from a trip to Peurto Vallarta and stayed at an all inclusive. All inclusive's clearly are not my thing. It was my first time to stay at one. There is an interesting mentality when staying at an all inclusive. A sense of entitlement to the abundance. I personally found it a little difficult to watch people pile food on their plate and discard some of it in a country where there is clearly poverty. I found it difficult to the way guests treated the hard working staff. As if they were there personal staff for the week without hardly a please and thank you. The interesting thing is that people say that I am a snob. And I am. On some level. I like nice things. I work hard and have no dependants so I have the luxury of my pay cheque being all for me. And I spend it all on me. Does that make me a snob? I don't think so. How I treat people is what really matters. I hope and pray that I go through life treating people as equals. What stops me from truly honouring that is when people play out their issues and I am impacted. I always must remind myself that I cannot change the world. But I can continue to work on me and change me.

Boston Legal

When I have nothing to say and haven't posted anything in a while I resort to sharing the something in my life that I currently am loving. As far as tv watching goes I find it very challenging to commit to a tv schedule. So I love the fact that you can buy everything on dvd (albiet a season behind) and watch on your own schedule. I have found myself with a couple of days off and had planned many activities and one of those activities was relaxing and watching season 3 of Boston Legal. The show is brilliant. Actually I find that almost anything David Kelly does is brilliant. There is little point of going on and on about the virtues of the show. Treat yourself buy the dvd's and enjoy. There are too many life lessons and too many laughs to be had not to watch the show. Most television is mindless. It is fantastic to have entertaining television that is also extremely bright in how current social issues are handled.

Halloween vs Remembrance Day

Today is Halloween. As I walk to work I see many adults in full costume. Tonight Church Street will be shut down as full grown men celebrate this event that is often dubbed "gay Christmas". For one night some inner something will be out in full glory. Celebrating a secret life that is only lived out once a year. It is all fun. I guess. It isn't really my thing but I am glad that it exists for those that enjoy it. Candy will be dished out. Houses decorated. Children excited. All this is taking place well a lonely veteran stands on the street corner trying to sell poppies. Everybody rushes by without stopping. Without remembering that we able to celebrate such events because of those before us that fought for our freedom. There was a time that Remembrance Day was an actual holiday. As a child my mother would take us to the cenotaph for the 11:00 o'clock service. I didn't really understand what was happening but knew is was important. Today Remembrance Day almost passes unnoticed yet at the same time Halloween gets full treatment. I am not suggesting that Halloween shouldn't happen. I am suggesting though that the same passion people commit to Halloween should be committed to Remembrance Day. Parents should make sure that their children fully commit to Remembrance Day as they commit to Halloween. I mean really people, we are talking about candy versus human life. The right choice is painfully obvious.

Something of a Dreamer

I do struggle with life....the lack of general happiness and being content. The problem is that I am something of a dreamer. Always working on the next thing. Always wondering what the next thing will be. My life is full of options and I get to choice. Sometimes it is all the options available to me that slow me down and I see them as a curse instead of a blessing.

Yesterday a friend asked me for money. This is someone I have known for almost 10 years and who I have given money to in the past. She is a single mother of 4. Her options were asking me for money so she could put food on the table this weekend. That was her reality. Very limited options. It reminded me to see all my choices as blessings.

I love that. And hate that it took something like that to remind me of all my blessings.

Be Well!!

I Feel Lucky

Do you ever have one of those days that you feel completely lucky? It doesn't matter what really happened. You just feel lucky. It may be simple like a friend telling you how important you are to them. It may be sitting in your new place looking around and knowing it isn't you yet but it is still home and you love it just as it is. It may be facing challenges at work and gracefully overcoming them. It may be a great outfit that everyone tells you how great you look in it. It may be that your thinning hair is style amazingly. It may be your favourite song coming on the radio. It may be the sun on your face. It may be a well made bed. It may be that hot shower. It just may be life. In all its wonderful glory. I had that day.

What?

I've been many thing, worn many different masks, taken life by the short and curlies and have run away screaming. Ultimately I am another person with things to say that mean nothing to most but maybe mean something to some.

I Am Love

Love: something I have struggled with most of my life. What is love? What does it look like to me? I didn't grow up in a very loving environment but is all now irrevelant now that I am in my forties. You can only let your past dicate your life for so long and then you need to reclaim your life and make it what you want it to be regardless of how you started. I was thinking about all love is. Funny, silly, kind, scary, hard, easy, tough, rough (if your lucky), compassionate, and the list goes on and on. And I realized I am all those things. I am love. As are you. So each day I am going to try and be a more loving person. That is the energy I want to send out to the universe. Be Well.....and love more.

Getting Back

ok so I haven't been here much....but plan to be back. After the move and then the bike ride to Montreal I have been something. Regrouping I guess. I missed summer. Those long lazy days at the beach. I didn't make it to the beach once this summer. I am spinning. And it is now fall and all that fall brings with it. It is my favourite season.

Life takes a different direction with fall. New projects get started. I am taking a vegetarian cooking class. I don't plan to totally give up meat but am moving in that direction. My book is finally started, I just need more time to write. But who doesn't need more time. We all have the same 24 hours a day. I need to get back to "To Do" lists. That is the only way to accomplish all that I want to. Life offers us so much. It is like a huge buffett. I want it all. I just need to figure out how to have it all. Perhaps I am being greedy given I have so much.

But wanting to experience more of life is what it should be about anyway.

Believe

I have been struggling with whether or not I wanted to continue with this blog. I feel like I have nothing left to say and so much to say at the same time. I have a new tattoo....it is BELIEVE. My new favourite word. A lot has happened this summer and on the last long weekend another season comes to a close and another season will soon begin. A harvest moon brings with it new beginnings and once again I look forward to those new beginnings. Because I believe. Believe in what? I don't know. I just believe. I decided yesterday that I would rather believe and be wrong then not to beleive and wrong.

Bike Rally 2007

It was an experience. During the week I was feeling free, doing things I hadn't done for years, opening up a space in my soul for new experiences, driving the acomodator out of my life, experiencing things that might not interest me very much, but which were at least different. I will be doing it again next year. So yes, it was good.

Off to Montreal.....by bike

In less than 2 hours I will start the Bike Rally to Montreal. A lot has taken place in my life prior to this departure point. The seesaw ride of life continues. I am ready, emotionally and mentally....phyiscally, who knows. I have never done anything life this before so I will see. Am I excited, not yet. Am I nervous no. I have met some wonderful people to share this experience with. Without them in my life I might have quit. Packing day was fun yesterday, so it is a good indication of what I can expect.

The sad part of leaving for me today is that no one in my immediate family has bothered to call and wish me luck or tell me that they are proud of me. But my extended family has been unbelievable supportive. So until my weary butt returns home, be well, be safe and be happy.

And Away We Go.....

In one week the ride starts. I have no idea if I am really ready to undertake a bike ride to Montreal....but it is too late now. There has been a lot going on and I have done my best to get prepared. For the most part, I think the ride won't be a problem. The problem will be for me camping (yuck), public washrooms (yuckier) and outhouses (yuckiest). The ride is a scarific and a challenge for me. One of many that I seem to face. But in general it is all good. Whenever the universe delivers the challenges it also seems to deliver the means to manage the challenges. The ying and yang continue. I have moments in the day when life feels like such a struggle and before days end the universe delivers bliss. It's so fucked. There seemed to be a lot of conversations around happiness in my life yesterday. Perhaps I was the one that kept taking the conversations there. Or perhaps I want to know if the people in my life are ok. There was a general consenous that there wasn't unhappiness. That's good. Maybe me and my friends are finally getting life. There will be joy, there will be sorrow, there will be challenges and rewards. There will be life.

Perfect Lunch/Perfect Friend/Imperfect World

I am one of those people that has only a few close friends. I have never been a group person or been part of a group. I find it too hard. How possibly can 20 or more people all want to do the same thing at the same time, every weekend, over and over again? I just find that you have to scarific too much of who you really are to belong to a group. For a lot of people that makes me odd...or a loner. But along the way I have gathered some amazing people in my life. Some of them I get to see regularly and some of them I don't see often enough. Today I had lunch with my friend Stella....probably one of the most amazing people I know. And the other thing I find truly odd about the people in my life is that they never see how amazing they are. But that is what also keeps them real. We see the trials and tribulations and the joy in everyday life.

The Ride

It is two weeks today that I depart on the ride to Montreal. Yesterday was my last long training ride. It was 120k. It had lots of hills. It had pounding rain. It had some strong winds. It was cold. Ironcially my last long training ride was no different than my first training ride. Miserable. It was made easier by the fact that I shared the ride with the same couple of amazing guys that I shared the first training ride with.

The ride so far has been a challenge. It has also been rewarding. It is nice to feel proud of yourself. For anyone that has sponsored me, again thank you. And I want to assure you your money was well donated. I have been working harder and have had to make more sacrifics than I thought I would have too.

Death - The Great Unsolved Mystery

I read this wonderful passage in Michael Cunningham's book Specimen Days about death. It is how I like to think death is....

"She's had a long life. Now she's going back to the Lord"
"Frankly it creeps me out a little when you say things like that,"
Simon said.
"It shouldn't. If you don't like 'Lord', pick another word. She's going home. She's going back to the party. Whatever you like."
"I suppose you have some definite ideas about an aferlife."
"Sure. We get absorbed into the earthly and celestial mechanism."
"No heaven?"
"That's heaven."
"What about realms of glory? What about walking around in golden slippers?"
"We abandon consciousness as if we were waking from a bad dream. We throw it off like clothes that never fit us right. It's an ecstatic release we're physically unable to apprehend while we're in our bodies. Orgasm is our best hint, but it's crude and minor in comparison."

Dreams

I woke this morning before six and felt sad, lonely and unhappy. I couldn't shake the feeling. I got up and had a cigarette and watched the sun come up. I tried to think positive thoughts. I tried to find the good in a recent experience. Nothing. I went back to bed. Tossed and turned and thought about getting up. I fell back into a restless sleep and dreamed. I often don't remember my dreams but I remember this one.

I was in two places. My past and present. My present was there and I knew it was there, but I was clearly in my past. I was in my old house. There were bugs everywhere and the place was dirty. I tried to vacuum up these big black bugs and then the wire to the vacuum cleaner become suddenly cut and I couldn't vacuum up the bugs anymore. My mother suddenly appeared in my dream and started verbally attacking me. But I was also aware my present was there. I knew I had my new place and could go there. For some reason though in my dream I didn't go. I stayed in my past. I woke up. Everything become so clear. It is amazing what we learn from our dreams.

I have carefully made choices over the last two years in regards to changing my life. Some of my choices turned out to be foolish, but most of them turned out to be really wise. It is funny sometimes how we get to where we are supposed to be in spite of ourselves.

I have also carefully chosen who I will be bringing with me in my new life. I have packed them up like treasured heirlooms. I appreciate all my past experiences, but there are times my past still seems truly frightening to me. My dream reminded me of this.

So forward I go. Happily.

I Wear My Life

I Wear My Life
Right on my sleeve
Who I am is no mystery
Where I've been has left a mark on me
I'm not one to try and hide
Or keep it all locked up inside
I Wear My Life

PRIDE

It is Pride weekend. For the first time in all the years I have lived in Toronto, Pride really means something to me. It is not pride in being gay. That is something that I simply am. It is having pride in who I am. Period.

Elysium: any place or state of perfect happiness; paradise

Music plays an important part of my life. My two favourite artists are Rosanne Cash and Mary Chapin Carpenter. Their music speaks to my heart and soul and often guides me through life.

On my cycle ride yesterday this Mary Chapin Carpenter song played on my ipod. I cried. At this moment in my life I find myself in Elysium. These words rang so true to me.

"I don't really know how I got here this time
I was only just following orders
Listening to the voice in my head
Saying stay clear of margins and borders
So I wasn't thinking of where I would go
On a cold afternoon through the mountains I drove
Up a few hairpin turns and then spread out below
The valley appeared with the sun
Like Elysium

I looked out the windows and stared at the fields
Where the blue sky and green were colliding
I looked back at me and knew I was sealed
By a fate that has ways of providing
Yes sometimes you get there in spite of the route
Losing track of your life and what it's about
The road seems to know when to straighten right out
The closer you come
To Elysium

They say there's a place for those who are good
With its pearly gates swinging wide open
The rest of us here are just knocking on wood
Quietly, piously hoping
I could wonder if all of it lead me to me
I could show you the arrows and circles I drew
I didn't have a map, it's the best I could do
On the fly and on the run
To dreams that were tethered like kites to the ground
To the bridges I burned, to the turning around
It was here in my heart I was finally found
And the last battle won for Elysium"

Finally Home

I am home. I know that. As soon as I unlocked the door and walked into this empty space it washed over me like a gentle rain. I am home. I am even surprised by how much I love my new space. I keep crying. I have no idea where that comes from. There is absolutely nothing I want to change. The universe keeps conspiring to give me exactly what I want. I am so grateful for that. It has been rocky for so long. There is a sense of peace and calmness. It's me. The perfect place to embark on the next phase of my life.

One of Those Days

Did you ever have one of those days when life was a magical, mystical, enchanted forerst? I had one of those days.

The Loft Experience

2 years, 1 month and 10 days I have lived in my loft. Living in the loft has been an experience on so many different levels. These two years have shaped my life more than any other two years of my life todate. I sit with my life packed up in boxes. In a matter of days I will leave here. Take all my expereinces, lessons learned and memories and step into my future. I will be so glad to have a home again. This never felt like my home and I guess I didn't want it to. It was a place to transition in. I am glad to leave here a different person than the person who moved in. I do like this person better. I have loved my time here. But it is time to say goodbye. And I leave with forgiveness, hope and the great beyond.

Standing Still

Someone recently said to me that I was in transition. I had to laugh considering my tag line is "constantly changing". The fact is right now I am standing still. So perhaps when you are constantly changing, standing still is a transition. The doors of my past are open and the sweet voices beckon me back. Yet I stand still. The allure of turning around is constantly there. Sometimes I want to walk right back into my past with open arms. But I stand still. My future is before me everyday. The doors are also open. Yet I stand still. I feel like I have always either been running from something or running towards something. Right now I stand still. And it's not a bad thing.

Sunday Morning

It seems to me that I am not updating my blog much this month. It is just that I haven't felt like I have wanted to share lately. There is lots going on. I have come to the conclusion that since I am a Leo and therefore will have nine lives. Once again I feel like I am wrapping up my most recent life and am about to embark on yet another life. I will say it certainly keeps things interesting and I am rarely bored. Lost, yes. Unsure of what the next phase will look like, definitly. I used to envy those people that seem to know exactly where they are going. But I actually have come to like not knowing where I am going. Every day is truly a surprise for me.....so I leave you with a segment of my astrological charts and wish you as many lifes as you want....

Uranus opposition Pluto: Sweeping changes

End of May 2006 until end of January 2008: Now is the time to make sweeping changes, not only in your consciousness, but also in the circumstances in which you live. Conditions that have been developing slowly will force major changes upon you now. If you are flexible, you will be able to start a whole new phase of life, even though you may have thought that the time for new starts in your life is past. You will have a new birth of awareness, and you will be able to deal with your life unhampered by old patterns of thought that have limited you.

But if you cannot adapt and be flexible, this will be a period of great turmoil and stress as you try desperately to hold on to circumstances, possessions and relationships that no longer have any real function in your life. What you are trying to save is not something real, it is only an illusion.

The impetus for change may come through persons who present you with many upsetting surprises, all of which show that your life is no longer what is was. The key point to recognize is that this process is not bad for you, it is just upsetting at first until you get into the flow of events. It can be quite exciting and will certainly inject an element of youth into your life again, with the advantage that now you will have the wisdom to handle it properly.

10 Things I Learned This Week

It was a week of highs and lows...........

1. Sometimes friends carry heavy secrets.

2. Friends will trust you enough to share that secret.

3. For all I have lived and learned I can still feel helpless in a second.

4. The universe brought into my life the friends I needed this week. They gave me something to hold onto and didn't even know they were doing it.

5. Delightful surprises happen when you least expect it.

6. I am in my forties and still feel sexy.

7. Internal peace and love are hard to hold onto, but worth the fight.

8. I still find it hard to be brave.

9. I still have no idea where I am going.

10. The best I can do is continue to be me.

We Will Rock You

I like to think of myself as a pretty simple person that is easy to please. Sometimes though that is not always the case. Last night I went to see We Will Rock You. I was hoping to be rocked. I wasn't. When I think about them planning the production of the show I envision a group of creative people sitting around a table saying..."Let's take some hit songs and string them together into a story, and it should be a love story, with conflict. And it should be funny, but also make a statement. There should be some dance numbers and lots of singing and let's keep the set simple....oh and after the show we will end with the whole cast coming back on stage and do a sing-a-long thing with the audience....get them all up dancing."

Brilliant idea. When it was done a decade ago. It was called Mama Mia and it was spectacular. I loved Mama Mia and have seen it three times over the last decade and would happily see it again. Perhaps when I am in New York.

We Will Rock You failed on almost every level. It definitely felt like they took the winning formula from Mama Mia and tried to make it work.

With Mama Mia the songs fit into the story line. We Will Rock You was words and then song. The story they were trying to tell just didn't work with the songs.

The dancing...bad. I am watching Dancing With The Stars and if choreographers can teach these stars new dance steps each week, then surely for a big musical production they could have come up with something a little better. Sofonda's backup dancers are now looking pretty good.

While some of the lines in the show were cute, they felt forced. The feeling of we want people to laugh so insert joke here. And some of the one liners were bad. It is always diffcult when you choice to be funny by making fun of an issue someone may be facing, even if they are a celebrity. It usually comes off in poor taste rather than funny.

I was mildly entertained. I had moments of boredom. I was kind of glad that it ended. And the big sing-a-long at the end, didn't really happen. How could it? The show lacked energy so it is difficult to expect the entire audience to jump to their feet and dance and sing-a-long.

Go see it if you need to get out of the house for the evening...other than that consider it a pass.

Restless

It has been a tripy weekend that has left me restless. I hate this feeling. I am throwing so much energy into moving forward. New job, will soon move to my new place, doing the bike rally has brought focus into my "get healthier" kick. But the past, as much as we want to leave it behind, somehow continues to haunt us. Friday night I went out to a movie with someone I dated last summer. Someone I cared very much for. Someone I loved just for who he was.

It was weird. Walking to his place. The same doorman. Really the same energy between us. We were always just comfortable together. I guess I am haunted by the fact that during the time we dated he never let me in. He included me in activities, but never really let me in.

I was glad for the evening and loved spending time with him. It was more that it left me with the feeling once again that I love people that find it so hard to accept love. I see the pattern. It is so clear. I wonder if it is left over from my relationship with my mother. There is someone that constantly pushes away the love I have to give her. I have never been able to figure out what she is so afraid of and have stopped trying. In the process, over the years, I have found another mother in my friend Vicki. It is true and would break my mother's heart. But it is also true that you can only push someone away so many times and then eventually they stop coming back. I am grateful for Vicki, who has provided me with so much guidance.

But alas, my love life. It seems there is also a pattern of loving people that won't let themselves be available. I think it is perhaps because that is the only way I had learned how to love. To keep giving it all and having it rejected. Sounds painful? It is.

But perhaps it is because these people do push love away is what makes me want to give them more. To let them know it is okay to love. Completely. Freely. I wonder if they are afraid that one day it may go away. I wish I could teach them that it doesn't. I still love every person that I have ever loved. Whether they are still walking amongst us or whether I haven't spoken to them in years. I still love them. And I want nothing in return for the love I feel other than it not to be so scary for some of them.

It is rare for me to ever say this, but tonight, I wish I wasn't me.

It's Spring

I love the beginning of each season. My favourite element of the changing seasons is that I change with each season so it keeps me from getting bored. And I love Toronto in the spring. We still have so much green space downtown. I love walking the streets as everything starts to bloom. The greens are so vibrant and the streets start to become vibrant again. Everyone emerges from their winter seclusion. The streets are a live with people. You just want to be outdoors. You don't even have to do anything other than just be outdoors and enjoying the sun. The training for the bike ride has been wonderful for that. I have actually loved getting up saturday morning and doing the training rides. This from someone who isn't exactly a morning person. Go on out and enjoy this day.

Edmonton

I have spent the last four days in Edmonton. I attend a conference for work each spring and like to go a couple of days early to hang out in the city that it is being held in. Last year at this time, I was in Victoria. I loved it. The year before that, Quebec City. I loved it. This year in Edmonton. I was looking forward to it. The thing about me is that I see all the signs along way but don't believe them. The first sign was at the airport Saturday morning waiting to board. I love to people watch so I was looking around and taking it all in. I certainly noticed that is was a....well, I hate to sound shallow, but an ugly crowd. Not a men, women, nor child had a nice face, body, clothes...I didn't know men still wore grey sweatpants. Not a lululemon outfit in sight.

The gods love to challenge me so I had the joy of a middle seat between a man who smelled and a man with more nose hairs than I have hair on my head.

The ride from the airport provided me with a view of the landscape that was very American. Long stretches of wide roads with one box something after another. But that didn't phase me. I was staying downtown where all the fun was. This is probably their version of Mississauga. I knew downtown would be stunning.

I was staying at the Fairmount and it is a beautiful stunning hotel but I later found it is the truly only nice building in the city.

I asked at the front desk where the "cute, quaint, sexy" parts of the city were located. The ones with great coffee shops, art galleries, great clothing stores, bistros. The gave me two spots, one was 124th Street, the other was Whyte Avenue. So off I go to 124th Street. Well let's just say there were no cute coffee shops, one cute clothing store, one bistro, a couple galleries, and a few gas stations. There was nothing sexy or charming, or vibrant or anything about this part of town. To top it all off it was really windy and the streets were dirty so I felt like I was always eating a dirt sandwich and had something in my eye.

I gave up and bought some wine and went back to the hotel room and read. The next day I was up early. Still believing that this was a fabulous town off I went to Whyte Avenue. It was a lovely walk through the park land. And much to my surprise Whyte Avenue was, well, not as depressing as 124th Street, but really only a slight notch above. Now to give it credit it did have a lululemon store, and a Chapters, a couple Starbucks....and the rest...um..a car dealership. A car dealership? Not charming or sexy or well..what can I say?

Back downtown I go....there is a Holt's. I don't really even care for Holt's but I was desperate for something remotely attractive. Bad news...even Holt's sucks there.

A coworker suggested that we go to the West Edmonton Mall. I mean we had the choice between that or touring the pension offices of the Alberta Pension Plan. West Edmonton Mall won. Actually it lost. The office tour would have been more fun than West Edmonton Mall. I give up. I hate Edmonton. God love me I tried.

I told my boss how much I was hating being there and he replied, "Me too...I can take almost anything but the dried puke on the sidewalk...". Well that pretty much closed the deal.

To me, Edmonton is the place you go when you no longer have any dreams.

Dancing With The Stars

I have fallen in love with Dancing With The Stars. I have not really watched any tv in a long time. There has not been anything on that interests me and anything that does interest me I watch on dvd. The whole reality wave that has taken over tv does not interest me in the least. My surrogate mother got me watching Dancing With The Stars last week and I became addicted. I actually cry when watching it. They put a lot of work into training and preparing each week. I love it because they are doing it for the love of dance. They aren't trying to become somebody or trying to become rich or trying to find a life partner. They are just there to dance as best as they possibly can. And what can be more entertaining, fun and feel good all over than dancing. I think the world needs a dancing day, where everyone in the world does nothing but dance for the day. The collective energies of everyone dancing in the world can only have a positive impact.

Facebook/Life/Jann Arden

A few weeks ago a friend sent me a request (I guess it is called that) to be his friend on Facebook. I didn't even know what it was so I did nothing. Then the term "facebook" started popping up everywhere. I even read an article about it in the Globe. I wasn't all that interested. I have my blog and that is enough. However this week I received a request from another friend. This friend and I have not be in contact for the last six months. We both have our own reasons. I had made three or four attempts at the beginning of our end, but they were ignored. So I decided I was curious enough about Facebook now to register and find out what it was all about. This is the dialogue that passed between us during a two day period.

Friend: "Wow, whoosh"
Me: "I don't understand"
Friend: "Oh"
Me: "If you want to talk to me, feel free. But this is cryptic"
Friend: "Not cryptic, just playful. How are you?"

That was it. I didn't respond after that. I always wondered if we would be in contact again and what it would look like and how it would feel. I felt indifferent. Now for Jann Arden. I love her. I read her journal that she posts online. By coincidence she had posted this a few weeks back:

"I received an email from a guy I used to work with, a few weeks ago. I have not talked to him for, well, it’s got to be going on 9 years. It didn't end well 9 years ago with him and I. Anyhow…he said that he thought "It was time to change the dynamic of our relationship." It was strange to see his thoughts there on a computer screen. I am not the person he thinks I am. I was never the person he thought I was. My indifference surprised me somewhat. I do not want to look back anymore at anything or anyone. I am going forward. He will just have to find whatever it is he is looking for inside of himself. I can't change the dynamic of anything. Perhaps there was a time when I thought it would be good to go for a coffee and talk and, I don't know, see each other, but that time is so far behind me it's not even distant, it's all but gone.

I have thought that if his note would have perhaps started with some kind of accepting of responsibility for his actions, that I would have reacted differently. But some things do not change. Static is all I can say about him, and that. It was just that same tone of "I didn't do anything wrong." Maddening really. But completely unimportant. Forgiveness isn't for those who have wronged you, it is for you. I have never forgotten reading that somewhere. I think it was a Marianne Williamson book…I wish I knew the title. I do remain grateful for every single thing he ever did for me, but I do not feel forever in his debt. There is a huge difference between the two. Feeling in debt, and feeling grateful…polar opposites."
(taken without permission...I always wonder if my blog will get me sued)

Those words rang so true to me in this situation. I wonder if the contact had been different than a facebook message that started with a "wow, whosh, ok". Those really mean nothing to me. The person is hiding behind an internet site.

I have decided that I don't care for Facebook. To me it is just another tool that allows us to not cumminicate. But I still love life. And I still love Jann Arden. And I see her in concert on Thursday.

Assumptions

It has been a week of bad assumptions. We all make so many assumptions everyday. It is funny how most of them seem to be wrong, but on and on we go making them. It would bore you if I went ahead and listed them all so I will pick the main one that impacts me this morning as I get ready for another training ride. Last week I assumped that my team left me behind during the ride. I ran into two of the guys from my team last night at the grocery store. Turns out they didn't leave me behind. They got lost. Apparently reading a map isn't one of their strengths. I am gald I wasn't with them. Last weeks ride was so unenjoyable because of the cold the thought of cycling extra kilometers because of being lost I am sure would have been enough to make me cry.

Bike Rally - First Training Ride

Yesterday was the first training ride for the Bike Rally. Right up until yesterday morning I wasn't sure if I would do it. I know that it is important to start training but I needed to wait and see what the weather would be like. I had decided that I needed to have my frist ride be a good experience. I equate it to sex. If the first time you have sex with someone and it is bad...do you really want to do it again? Probably not. Same goes for the bike rally. So the sun was shining, perfect. There was no way I was doing the training ride if it was raining. So I got there bright and early and stood around. Talked to a few people but mainly observed. They are a bit of a cult. I wonder if I will turn into one of them before the ride is over. It is hard to imagine, but I might. God I hope not.

I met my team and we started the ride. My team left me behind. I never saw them again. So I cycled alone for a while. I hated it. My hands were cold. They never got warm. Whoever said you will warm up once you start cycling lied. I never warmed up. I just kept getting colder. One body part at a time. First my hands, then my feet, then a hill and I would sweat, then I would freeze all over. Cycled through industrial Toronto to Markham. And back again. Nothing to see. Hard to believe people live in this part of Toronto, but they do. Eventually hooked up with five other riders and we became our own team. We all cycled at the same speed. We could never see anyone ahead of us or any one behind us, but they were fun. So that part was fun. And the last couple of kilometers. There is nothing like a seeing a finish line to make you feel great and proud.

Today feel pretty good. Thought my legs would be more tired. Or my lower back. Or my butt. But everything feels great.

Thanks to those of you who have supported me in the ride. Your generosity is greatly appreciated.

Easter Sunday

Depending on your religious beliefs, today is a holiday. Friday night on my way to Resurrection, my cab driver asked me the meaning of this holiday weekend. Since I was wearing leather chaps, on my way to a leather party on Good Friday and I believe in spirituality over religion, I was probably not the best source. I tried my best from what I could remember from Sunday school and explained that on this day Jesus died. On a cross for our sins. And on Sunday they rolled away the stone and he was gone or alive, those details are a little fuzzy. He was kind enough then to explain his belief in his God. I didn't quite understand his belief but am glad that he has one. I think that it is important to have a belief. And I think that it is personal. I believe that you have to develop your beliefs on your own. It cannot be something that you are taught or are told because that makes it someone else's belief that you are following. It is like believing in yourself. Only you can really do that. Having other people believe in you is great but you need to believe in yourself for it to have real value. Believing in your beliefs is part of believing in yourself. You need not have anyone else share in those beliefs. They are yours. If you need to convince me of your God, it makes me feel that you don't quite believe in him yourself. That you have a need to get as many people on side so that if the majority of the people say it is true, than it must be. I simply believe that there is something else. I do not need a full explanation or a scripture to follow I just believe. I also believe in love, in goodness, in forgiveness, in making mistakes, in learning and in growing. Those are some of my beliefs and I hold them dearly. And they are mine. So today celebrate your beliefs and let others celebrate theirs. Happy Easter.

Happy Fucking Easter

I am not big on any holiday season. I like the time off work. It's a nice break. But the inevitable family drama developes that makes me start to hate that family is involved with holidays. My mother really does try so hard. In her way.

To weeks ago my she called me to inform me that Easter would be on Saturday at 1:30. Good. Deal. Done. I continue with my life. Busy making plans for the rest of my weekend. Thursday I will go to my friend Michelle's and hang out. Drink wine and smoke, catch up. I haven't seen her in a while. Friday I was arranging brunch with my friends, Roy, JB and Mark. Go to the gym. Friday night was going to be something low key as going to my parents the next day. Lunch with the family on Saturday...fly with the boys on Saturday night. Sleep most of sunday. I love sleeping all day on a sunday when I don't have to work the next monday. And monday hang out around home. A little laundry, pack a little, clean out my closets. What a perfect weekend. I was so looking forward to the holdiays. Fun.

My mother called Monday and left a message that the lunch was moved to Friday. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. There is a good reason. My niece has some soccer thing on Saturday. So of course she moved it to Friday. I understand. I know this sounds simple but I am not prepared to change my plans. Mostly based on principle. There is a little more to the story. I also turned down a couple of other invitations. Things I really wanted to do. I feel I had made my compromise. I made myself available for Saturday. I am not free Friday. That's all. But it hurts her. For that I am truly sorry. It makes me feel like crap. But I also need her to respect me. I also feel like I have the ying and yang in me at all times. My choice makes me happy. Yet that same choice hurts someone else. Happy fucking Easter.

A Lovely Read

Every now and then a book comes along that you just love. You can't wait to get home at the end of the day, pour yourself a glass of wine, curl up on the couch and drift away. I have just finished reading such a book. "Good Grief" by Lolly Winston is the book. I often find when reading it also involves what you bring to the book. Your own personal experiences. How you relate to the main character. The lead character, Sophie Stanton, is rebuilding her life after her husband dies. Finding herself starting over again at the age of 36, finding herself doing things that she never thought she would and beginning to love her life again. Anyone who has had to rebuild their life, regardless of the circumstances, will appreciate the honesty, the humour, the tears, the joy of rebuilding a life. A highly recommended read and an exceptional first novel.

April Fool's Day

I have reviewed my personal goals for the first quarter and since it is April Fool's Day it is also time to check in on my astrological predications for the year. Some people say that it is foolish to believe in Astrology, but I have been a fool for far lessor things.

1) Serious. Yep, lately anyway. So first resolve to enjoy life again.
Hmm...I do laugh a lot more, especially at life, so I guess I am enjoying life more again....would like to laugh even more......

2) Aim for romance, romance and more romance from June to September.
Ok....hasn't happened yet, it is nice to have something so delightful to look forward to.

3) Choose one of those playmates and have a real true relationship by November.
Glad that one is a long ways off....right now couldn't even possibly entertain the thought of dating someone.

4) Turn your most-loved hobby into a part-time income at least.
I truly have no idea what that prediction relates too....so will see.

5) Make it the way you earn your daily bread by the time you hang your misteltoe.
Fuck I have no idea what the stars are saying.

So all in all, the stars have not had a big impact in the first quarter.

First Quarter Evaluation

I have been busy at work doing my first quarter reviews and it is also time to do my first quarter personal review. So I have reviewed how I am doing so far on my goals for 2007.

1. Go To New York During Christmas Season
That one is still a go. Although I have gotten a little off track in regards to my savings plan. I was putting $20 away a week so that by the time I went to NYC I would have $1,000 to just blow as foolishly as I wanted. I was putting the money in an envelope here at home but have already spent it. It was easier than going to a bank machine. Grade: B+

2. Travel To Europe
My plans were to go to Europe again this fall. Buying the condo has shifted my priorities a little. I really wasn't planning on buying one and now that is where I want to me. Grade: Fail, Personal Feeling: Success

3. Learn To Play the Guitar
I think I am going to give up on that one. I hadn't planned to do the Bike Rally and now that is where my focus is. Grade: Fail, Personal Feeling: B

4. Improve General Well Being
I am doing a three week cleanse. I am not especially enjoying the experience. I am not hating it either. I feel neutral. I haven't noticed a big change. I have been going back to yoga, not consistently, but I have been going back. I have returned to the gym, not consistently, but enough. Grade: B-

5. Bring Spending Under Control
I have been doing that for the most part. I have been putting money directly into a savings account with each pay. I don't buy anything on impulse (ok once this quarter). I leave the item, go home and think about it. If I really want it after three or four days then it's mine. Buying the condo will help. Grade: B+

6. Regularly Update My Blog
I have been doing that well. Grade: A+

7. Complete 100 Pages of My Book
I have gotten organized. I have done some writing. I have written a lot in my head. I am still trying to determine exactly what I want the book to say. It's not writers block it is fucking writers overload. I want the book to be a reflection of me. The problem is that I have changed so much because of all the experiences I want to write about. I don't know if I want the book to be from the perspective of who I was or of who I now am. It is a dilemma. I think when I get more settled in my new place and in the fall I will have time to focus. Grade: Unable to Determine.


All in all I have already changed again since I wrote my goals 3 months ago.

So Much Going On

Sometimes I don't write in my blog, not because I don't have anything to blog about, it is just that there is so much going on, I can't pick.

Condo thing going pretty good, well have been a couple of really dumb mix up's, both my fault that has caused a little annoyance in my life, but just trying to roll with the universe and deal. (My sentence structure really sucks for those of you who notice, I know).

Work thing is out of control, but I also have a handle on it.

Bike Ride has stalled. No donations in a while. I have decided that for Christmas this year instead of giving my nieces and nephews money (they have everything) I will use that money to sponsor me in their name. I hope they truly get the value of what I am giving them. But not my responsibility.

Gym..off and on...need to get back more on.

Personal life....still out of this world. I am having so much fun. Thanks to all who are participating. I love you all on so many different levels.

Hope everyone else is having a great life!!

Changing Again

Another chapter in my life is coming to a close. I moved into the Sears Merchandise building after I sold my house because I needed a safe place to fall apart and rebuild. I keep saying that the last couple of years of my life has been chaos. Most people who know me keep saying how much I have changed but don't quite understand that my life was chaos. From the outside looking in it appeared that I had it all going on. But believe me from the inside looking out it was a mess.

I took the time I needed. I deconstructed. I brought chaos into other people's lifes. Other people brought their chaos into my life. I have learned so much about myself and who I am. I am at the point that I love the experience. Even more now that it is done.

So I have finally found a new place to live. It only took eight months and me changing my mind one thousand six hundred and forty-eight times. My real estate agent, Roy Runions (yes this is a plug for him, again, I can't stress enough people if you need an agent, call Roy), has been so patient with me. I am going to love living in my new place. It really is me. My decision making in life is all based on my emotions. So I needed to find a place that felt like home when I walked in the door. And I found it. Life does always give me what I need.

The selling agent said to me when he brought back their counter offer that it was my lucky day. I just smiled and said everyday of my life is lucky. Not perfect, ever, which would be dull anyway, but always lucky. I know there is a greater force operating. I don't know what it looks like or what is going on, but I don't need to know. I just need to follow it and know that everything will be ok.

Who Am I?

Someone just recently asked me to tell them about myself, so....

I believe totally in honesty, except when I have to lie.
I can be frugal, even cheap, except when it comes to clothes and shoes.
I am overly sensitive and can fall apart at the drop of a word, but am extremely strong and good in a crisis.
I love my job but am not married to my work.
I love a night on the town as much as I love a night staying at home.
I am kind and generous until I am wronged.
I enjoy cooking for people, but don't enjoy cooking in general.
I am deep and sometimes think I think so much about life I am not living it.
I have always been able to find whatever is missing in my life.
I believe in spirituality but not organized religion.
I hate politics, but understand we need governments to prevent chaos.
I believe in giving back to society as much as I take.
I believe in family, but not necessary family of origin.
I believe the best things in life are the small everyday things.
I believe people should travel by bike as much as possible and help safe the environment.
I believe in jets and jet fuel because I love to travel.
I believe in meditation and yoga.
I believe in recreational drugs.
I believe that the first cup of coffee in the morning is the most important thing in the world.
I don't believe in drinking coffee after my morning cup, it too is a drug.
I like tender love making as much as I like being a pig in bed.
I go to the gym to stay fit, but don't believe in using steroids.
I still believe in love and cry at happy endings.
I don't believe in death.
I have an enormous capacity to forgive, but may not want you in my life again.
I believe in solitude and self examination.
I love having fun and will say yes to just about anything.
I have a tendency to lead, but love to follow.
I like to read and listen to music alone.
I like people, we are fascinating.
I grew up in the country but love living in the city.
I hate cottages.
I love to flirt but am loyal.
I like being single, but am open to a relationship.
I love being surprised by life, but hate planned surprises.
I like a certain level of security and am willing to take risks after that.
I like testing myself and pushing my limits.
I love my friends but prefer to just have a few so I can spend quality time with them.
I love all the seasons but just the beginnings. I hate the end of each season, they all last too long.
I love getting dressed up but am happiest in yoga pants and a t-shirt.
I like people that are odd, they are usually themselves.
I love change as I get bored easily.
I love reading but my tastes in books is always changing.
I miss my grandmother more than words could possibly say.
And finally, I love being a bit of a mystery.

A Bucket of Fun

I am having a total me day today. It was just one of those weeks when the universe decided to bring my entire past, present and possibly my future up for review. I never saw it coming. It is fun to watch the universe in motion. It is quite a ride. Anyone who doesn't believe that there is a master plan isn't paying attention. Perhaps it is because I am exploring my spiritual side and feel very connected with the universe right now I am lucky enough to get to see it all. And it is all there. It would be impossible to explain it and all the inter-connectedness that has taken place this week. It just has. And if you were part of it for my experience I thank you for being there. It has been bizarre and just when I think the week can't get any weirder it does.

My friend Ryan is coming over for dinner and we are going to a couple of birthday parties. Given how odd this week has been I bet this evening will also be bizarre. Yeah, what a bucket of fun.

Change

I wanted to write an entry tonight as it has been longer than I wanted it to be since I last had an entry. I was going to write about change and moving forward and not spending much time on looking back.

The universe was not on side. The past came back three fold today. I was not expecting it. My focus is once again completely shifting. I was not expecting that. The week was leading up to it. All the signs were there. I saw all of them. Loud and clear and in flashing neon. I felt the energy shifting and didn't know what it meant. Life continues to surprise me.

Soul Mate

I read this interesting interpretation of a soul mate in Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. This is the exert from the book (provided without written permission)

"I'm not laughing." I was actually crying. "And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you can't let this one go. It's over, Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did it great, but now it's over. Problem is you can't accept that this relationship had a short life. So love him. So miss him. Send him love and light every time you think about him, then drop it."

It makes me smile to think of that interpretation. And to thank all my soul mates I have met so far in my life.

I AM SO HORNY

One of the great things about having been gay and single most of my life is that I get to have just the right amount of sex. People often discuss what is the right amount of sex. It is different for everyone. I get to have sex whenever I have the need to. It's great. And the times when I was dating someone sex was great then too. For other reasons the relationship often didn't last long enough for the sex to get bad.

I have had a good sex life.

However, I have not had sex since my dental surgery. It has been five weeks. Suddenly when I can't have sex is when I desperately want it. Is this what it feels like in a long term relationship? I am not enjoying it.

I am "taking care" of business. Regularly. Actually more than regularly. So often that I truly feel like I am seventeen again. My mouth feels mostly healed. I think another two weeks. I was going to wait a full two months. I have decided to shorten my time line.

Snow Days

I have a snow day. I love it. When I was little we had lots of storms and would have several snow days a year. I loved them. We would go outside and play. Mom would be home. The house would feel so warm and cozy and safe against the wild elements. I loved those days. And today we have been blessed with one.

My office closed early. I am sitting in my loft, the fire going, a glass of red wine. I am going to clean out my closets. There is something wonderfully ironic and romantic about getting rid of your winter clothes, the ones that have hung in the closet all season, and you never wore them. Plus you try on your spring things just to see how they still look. Which items are keepers and which ones are "what were you thinking".

Piles get created. Keep. Maybe. Go. There is a little lift in your step as you think about spring watching the snow swirling outside your window and the city slowly being blanketed by mother nature. It is a gentle but firm blanket today. I guess she's in a good mood. Who knows how she will wake up tomorrow.

Questions??

Are Britney and I cosmically connected?
Have I been that fucked?
Am I that interesting?

It was the second week of September, 2006. A week before I went to Paris. I had been dating Clayton for about six weeks. I had been partying a lot. Not as much as I had in the past, but a lot more than I had in a while.

Tuesday
I went to get my haircut and wanted something a little different for Europe. I left with a mohawk. I liked it. Yes it was out there, but all in all, it was just a haircut.

Wednesday
Everyone weighed in with an opinion. Every single person I ran into. At work. At the gym. Friends and acquaintenances on the street. All of their opinions unwanted and unsolicited. Clayton hated it. My boss who hardly ever stops in my office came by to tell me that although our office was casual it was still conservative. I guess he was concerned that my current hairstyle would negatively impact my work. A board meeting was taking place that day and a trustee came into my office (which NEVER happens) to talk about her new haircut and while she would like to try something radical it wouldn't be appropriate given she was a board member. I think she was trying to tell me something but I just didn't have the energy to give a fuck.

Thursday
Clayton dumped me by voice mail. I guess it is better than a post-it.

Friday
Went to fly. Clayton was there and said he didn't want to lose me. Ended up going back to his place. At five in the morning we were still up and still high. Clayton asked if he could shave my head because he hated the mohawk so much. I let him.

Saturday
I left Clayton's saturday morning with my shaved head, completely sketchy, and more lost than I had ever been in my life, wondering if I needed to check myself into rehab.

I look back on that week today and it doesn't look that different than the week Britney has had. So perhaps the answer is yes, we are cosmically connected. And yes, there has been times in my life that I have been that fucked. And although I don't think it is very interesting the rest of the world does. So maybe I am not that fucked after all. It is just that everyone else is.

More Memories Than A Heart Can Hold

I am just about finished organizing my photos. Two boxes worth. What a trip. I am surrounded by more memories than a heart can hold. I laughed. I cried. I was constantly surprised by my own life. The choices that I have made. Wow, we really are funny creatures. And when you look back on life it really is funny after all.

I love boxes of photos. There is something so comforting about them. Sorting through them, recreating old memories. I don't get that from a computer. My digital camera is still in it's box, but I do want to figure it out, then try and figure it how to post photos to my blog.

I loved my evening.

The Surprise of Life

I was going to write something completely different tonight. As a matter of fact I had actually written it in my head on the way to the gym.

I am getting things together. All those small projects that just seem to kick around and you never get to them.

So tonight I am organizing my pictures. Yes, that's right I am not digital yet. I did buy a digital camera last week. It's still in the box. Another project.

So I was putting together the photos from my trip to Ireland with my parents in the summer of 2005. I like to think of that period as the beginning of my unravelling. The trip was amazing. I had such a fantastic time. Sure there were moments of work, but overall it was one of my best vacations ever. Ireland is absolutely stunning. The people we met were outstanding. All the factors just worked. I love when that happens in life.

I would never have predicted the eventual fall out I would have with my family. I would never have predicted watching myself completely fall apart. I would never have predicted that I would continue to work on my family relationships again. But that all happened.

Looking at the pictures reminded me of two amazing weeks I had with my parents. As an adult. Most people will never have the experience of travelling through Ireland with their parents when they were 40. I am so grateful to have had that experience.

I finally get that I don't accept my parents as they are. I get that they don't accept who I am. But somehow we all keep trying. I plan to be gentler this time. Go a little slower.

ATasteAbove

I have finally decided to rejoin the land of living. It was hard. Work has been amazing but demanding. I have cherished my evenings at home alone. The dental surgery was a gift. The frigid cold weather was a gift. I used them as wonderful excuses to hide and regroup.

Physically.

Mentally.

Emotionally.

Spiritually.

What a year.

Went to the gym on Sunday and Monday. Went to yoga at lunch today. I am going to curl in the bonspiel in March. It's nice to be back. I have missed my life. But I now know to also make sure I give myself that down time. Tonight was the night. Two days in a row at the gym and yoga today. Pretty damn good.

So I booked a massage at the King Eddy. It was wonderful. Sometimes I am so surprised at how far I have come in life. From that little lost boy to me. What an interesting journey. I feel so grateful.

On the way back I stopped at this new take out place that recently opened. It has this "highend" look to it and after all it was treat night so I thought I would splurge. The place is called "ATasteAbove" and is located at Richmond and Church. They have a very upscale look, quite sleek and modern. The irony is that the place is owned by two older women that remind you a bit of someones really hip and cool Grandmother. They reminded me of my Grandmother. Hip and cool. It is "highend". My gnocchi and stew (they had a much fancier name) came to almost $25.00. But it is treat night. And I fell in love with them. I'll be back on my next treat night.

NorasPicks

I went to a great art opening tonight which runs from February 15 - 28. It is well worth a visit during these cold Febuary days. "Art is like a love affair. Once you have it in your life you are unwilling to do without". Go visit. It is worth it. www.norapicks.com for more information.

NorasPicks

I went to a great art opening tonight which runs from February 15 - 28. It is well worth a visit during these cold Febuary days. "Art is like a love affair. Once you have it in your life you are unwilling to do without". Go visit. It is worth it. www.norapicks.com for more information.

Condo Shopping

I am still busy condo shopping. Last night I was out with my agent and we figured out I have been looking for 7 months. And nothing. It has to be renovated. It is too small. It has no outdoor space. There's no outhouse. I have a reason for everything that I have seen to not buy it.

I think the biggest challenge that I face when condo shopping is that I am happy. I sit here on my couch. A fire going at my feet. A gorgeous skyline that is currently being blanketed in snow outside my loft window. A glass of red wine. Jann Arden playing. Working on my book. Work is amazing right now. Have some really cool friends. I just can't see a reason to make a change right now. Sometimes you just have to sit back and enjoy exactly where you are at. I think I need to continue enjoying being exactly where I am at. I think I need to stop condo shopping for a while.

But I must say that I have the most amazing real estate agent ever. First all of he had no idea how long I have been looking. It's cool he doesn't measure the experience that way. You don't meet many agents like that. He has been unbelievably patient. He allowed me to express my concerns about each place and agreed, after all it is my decision. But he also isn't quiet either. He had the gift of knowing when to give input on a place to see it in a slightly different way. Basically he is so real and honest. If you ever need a real estate agent his name is Roy Runions. Run, don't walk.

Steroids

Every year when I was in my thirties I would give some thought to doing steroids. Just one cycle so I would be "pumped" for Pride. I have always been lean. People say I am sexy, but sexy to me was those "muscle marys". When I would be out I would feel second class physically next to them. I would watch them bulk up during the spring, looking fabulous, well I continued to work out hard with little gain. I have accepted that I will always be lean. But I always dreamed of being one of them.

After giving it serious consideration I always came to the same conclusion, which was to not do steroids. At the core of my belief system was who I am as person, not what I looked like. I want to spend time with someone or someones that want to spend time with me. For who I am. Who appreciate my values, find me interesting, think I am witty, admire my honesty and integrity. It was always the right choice. After all packaging is just that, packaging. But we are a society that is attracted to the packaging. We love that shiny, pretty paper. How many millions our spent on cosmetic surgery a year? Enough to feed small nations.

My errands today had me running into a former "hot throb". I used to have such a big crush on him. He was beautiful. He has been living in California for the last four years and just moved back. I couldn't help but look at him and think long term steroid use has not been kind to him. And it isn't just him. It is just that I hadn't seen him in four years so the change was extremely noticeable. We don't see those small changes on people we see everyday, but it is there. Over a decade of doing cycles has ended up ravaging the body. Too much steroid use moves the body from being sexy to being tired looking, used, even just older.

My earlier life choices for not using steroids was to preserve my personal integrity. Years later I now realize it also preserved my "looks". Life really is funny.

Anna Nicole Smith

I am saddened by her death. My reaction surprised me. I turned on my computer and MSN came up and that was the lead story. My first reaction I had was complete sadness. The unpredictability of life is the next moment for each of us and we have no idea what it is going to look like. I am saddened for her child that will grow up never knowing what her mother was really like. They will probably only know the media image that will be projected of her. A troubled life, full of struggle, full of highs and lows. I am aware often that troubled souls seem to burn through this life much more quickly than others. I am left wondering again about the whole concept that we are nothing more than energy sources currently in a life form. For the most part we only have so much energy to expend in this life form and the faster you burn it up the sooner you will combust and your energy form will change.

Perhaps it is nothing more than another message or life lesson to choose carefully how I expand my energy during this life form.

Perhaps it is simple too much red wine.

Either way I don't think she will rest in peace. That energy is still out there and I bet it is still chaos.

Everyone and Everything I Know Will Change

"I surrender my youth a little more everyday. Everyone and everything I know will change, and I have to change too." Jann Arden

I am totally loving all this alone time. I have had time to reflect on the journey that has gotten me this far. It has been a good journey. I have learned a lot. If my book turns out so fabulous that I actually get a book deal (goal: write book, dream: get it fuckin' published) and of course I would have to do a thank you page. I would simply thank everyone. Every single experience you have shapes who you are. So we are all constantly changing with each passing moment. We are each learning something new about ourselves everyday, slowly shifting. And then we have those occasional big moments in life that shake us to our core.

I have really only truly loved one man. My heart actually broke so bad I thought it would never heal. I can still remember the exact moment it broke. I guess you never forget that. It has taken a long while for my love for him to change, but it has. Everyone and everything I know will change. And it does. And it is good.

Life or Lifestyle

I wonder how many people live a life or a lifestyle? I know that for me I realized that I have been trying to live a lifestyle as opposed to a life. But I don't feel alone. When I look around I see so many people living a lifestyle. How can we not? Independent thinking is not supported. Religion, government, society as a whole, supports, even demands, that we live a lifestyle. Especially in North America. I see it everyday at work with women. They are trying to have a career, families, large homes in suburbia, bringing in the GO Train everyday to their job to support this lifestyle they have been told they should have. They don't seem really happy. Have they really stopped and thought about what they really want from their life? I think probably not as they are too busy living their lifestyle.

Have you ever really stopped and looked at all the magazines that are currently published. We have magazines that tell us how we should dress, what are homes should look like, what kind of cars we should drive, what are bodies should look like. There are hundreds of self-help books that tell us how we should think, act or behave. And the scariest thing is society as a whole. We have an acceptable norm that we believe people should fit into. And if you don't you are shunned. I certainly felt that growing up gay. It certainly wasn't a life choice that was supported. I was never accepted into any one's inner circle. Gay people used to face the first real challenge of choosing a life over a lifestyle. It was invigorating. It was scary. It was the unknown. All that has changed over the last couple of decades. Now being gay is becoming an accepted lifestyle. For everything gained there is something lost. The ability to choose a life is slipping away in favour of a lifestyle.

But it is small shift. There is still so many lifestyles in the gay community as well. The circuit boy, the leather man, the bear. We now even have a separation by HIV status. We had a first chance to choose a life and then quickly chose a lifestyle within the gay community. We all want to belong, to be accepted. So it is easier to choose the lifestyle. I get people that say they are not into the "scene". These are the people that are choosing a life.

There is a great scene in the final season of "Sex and the City" when Miranda and Carrie have a fight over Carrie choosing to go to Paris. Carrie is making a statement that she is choosing her life over her lifestyle. It is brilliant. Miranda doesn't understand why Carries has to move away and give up her life. Carrie states that she cannot stay in New York and be single for Miranda. That she is finally choosing a life over a lifestyle. Miranda doesn't get it. Most people don't when they witness someone choosing a life over a lifestyle. It is sad that it is such a foreign concept.

It is also exists on such a bigger scale that has long term detrimental affects on the world. Right now Bush has chosen a lifestyle and trying to maintain that lifestyle over a life, many lifes.

As there is more and more chaos in the world I also see another shift. I have a sense of these buried lives trying to come out and express themselves. Or maybe the change is just in me. Either way it is a welcomed change.

Jann Arden

I ordered my Jann Arden tickets today...being a JannFann I got my tickets today even though they go on sale on Monday. I got great seats. Her new CD comes out on Tuesday. I can't wait.

Ruth

I had dinner with my friend Ryan last week and during dinner he asked me which character on "Six Feet Under" that I thought I most resembled. After careful consideration I decided that I was most like Ruth, the mother. Ryan was quite surprised by that.

In my opinion Ruth was very pragmatic and she had a ton of emotions locked inside, almost too afraid to show them, as the world doesn't operate on feelings.

I have wanted to rewatch Six Feet Under for some time now so this conversation prompted me to pull out season 1 and start watching it again the next day. Of course being a little curious about my choice myself I have been paying particular attention to Ruth. When Ruth really expresses herself her emotions are so raw and honest. I have only watched the first few episodes but she has made me laugh and made me cry.

As the mother she possesses the life experiences her kids haven't. She is always confused that they don't see it her way. She is strong and determined and is able to make her own way, her way, and make her own choices. She is so fun to watch.

Flowers

Just a huge, beyond comprehension thank you, to David, Wes and Gary for the beautiful flowers. Nothing can bring a smile to my face then getting a message from the concierge that flowers have been delivered for me. Absolutely beautiful. Despite the dental surgery, I must ask, could my life be any better?

Myanus/youranus

With my recovery time and my laptop I have been doing a lot of work on my astrological charts. I have taken quite an interest and even involved a great guy I know. This kind of detail is quite specific, longitude and latitude of the location of your birth, the exact time of your birth, thus determining how the planets were aligned at the exact moment you burst into the world.

This is what I found out about me. When my Uranus is in opposition with my Uranus. If anyone has ever wondered what has been going on in my head in the last several months, this piece from my overall charts says it all. This is word for word and I could not have said it any better.

And I quote:
"Uranus opposition Uranus: Last chance"

"Mid April 2006 until mid December 2007: This influence at the age of forty or forty-one marks a period of major transition in your life. This is the crisis of middle age when you have to come to terms with a number of realizations that may not all be pleasant. For example, even though you are not very old, you are no longer young. Have you accomplished or begun to accomplish what you wanted when you were younger? If you have, was it an appropriate accomplishment for you? Are you happy with your close relationships, your marriage, your work?

Many people encountering this influence discover that the answer to several of these questions is no. If this is your situation, you may become seized with a feeling of urgency that you have only a short time to correct the problem. Consequently you may begin to act rather disruptively and quickly. You may leave a marriage or an old job and take up a lifestyle quite different from your earlier one. Your friends are likely to be rather shocked at the change. You may spend more time with younger people, for their youth is a symbol of the opportunities you feel you have almost wasted. This seems to be your last chance to take advantage of those opportunities.
It is also quite possible that you make none of these drastic changes. If you have taken advantage of opportunities right along and have not allowed your life to become prematurely old and rigid, this time will not be so upsetting or disturbing. You will experience the real meaning of this influence - a climax of the direction your life has taken since childhood and a shifting of direction toward the issues you must confront in old age.

If you have been successful in your dealings with the outside world, you will continue to be, but now it will have to mean something in terms of your own life and perception. You will not be able to live for some external purpose, the purpose must come from within. If you don't reorient yourself, your life will become hollow and meaningless, regardless of what you accomplish from here on."

Now we all know.

Checking In From Work

It is a sad day today. Due to office reorganization my team is being moved to a different part of the building. The end result to me is that I lose my corner office with a view of the lake. I now get to look up Yonge Street. I am not exactly happy. I won't work much today. They have broken me.

Being judgmental

I had asked my sister what her New Year's goals were. She had two, the first to be a kinder person, and two to wear more jewelry. She said you should always have a fun one. I fuckin' love my sister. She is so cool. But being a kinder person. Wow, that is something I have been working so hard on for the last year.

And it is a lot harder than you think. I try to be kind and grateful everything I deal with someone and not pass judgment, but it is hard. I try to remind myself that I don't know their story, what got them to the place they are at today.

When we were young did we even dream about what our lives would be like. I guess I did but it was pretty vague. I had a sheltered childhood so I wasn't exactly exposed to the world. What a learning experience it has been.

I do find we live in a very unkind world. I am not taking about weapons of mass destruction. I am talking about the big city and the small rural towns. I am talking about our tongues and judgments. The nasty gossip in small town Ontario is unbelievable and everyone thinks they know exactly what is going on in someone's life and are quick to share an opinion. I hated it growing up. Kids teasing me about things that were going on with my mother. It was awful. Kids teasing me about being gay. Fuck, honey, I was trying to figure it all out. I didn't exactly know what was going. I have no idea how they were so sure. If you don't mind I prefer to figure myself out. Don't think I need your help, but thanks. It gets real hard to feel good about yourself.

That is probably why I wanted to move to Toronto so bad was to get away from it all in the city. Well the city can be just as unkind. And somedays I am no better. But I will keep trying. I know I am getting better. I chose my words when encountering someone carefully these days. When I say something I really try to mean it. And I appreciate the people that have given me feedback. People really do appreciate kindness. If you want to leave an incredible footprint on someone's soul, anyone's soul, just be kind to them. You will find they never forgot you. Overtime you forget the people who were unkind you. It isn't worth the energy. Those kids from high school that picked on me, I couldn't describe one of them. Not a single detail. But ask me about the people who were kind to me. I remember every detail. There are memories that I can bring up that are just like watching a movie.

You want to be unforgettable in life. Be kind. And there are so many other benefits that will result.

Dental Surgery - My Story

First of all, one of my New Year's goals was to blog more. It is a great way for me to work on my writing and story telling skills, and a simple way for people to check in on me. Might as well embrace all the technology has to offer.

If you say "first of all", you must have a second point, which currently escapes me. I am simply going to blame that on the pain killers that were prescribed to me.

So I recently had dental surgery, people kept asking me "what I was having done."

"Dental surgery"

"No what specifically are you having done."

I couldn't answer them.

Oh sure, they told me at the periodontal office. And they showed me, with my x-rays, with a mold of someone's teeth that kind of freaked me out, so I didn't really look. They had colored graphs and pages of literature. They pulled out all the stops to make sure I had a clear picture of what would be going on. Right I thought, you have how many years of schooling, you have been a periodontist for years, and after 15 minutes I am expected to be up to speed. Not going to happen. Life gets so much easier when you simply accept that fact and leave everything up to the experts and a little luck.

So off I went at the crack of dawn last Friday for my appointment. I am so not a morning person but I was so excited about the "happy" pills, and that is what they called them, that leaving for the office in the pitch dark didn't phase me. It is kind of like when you are going on vacation and have an early flight. You never seen to mind getting up at 3:00 in the morning. For some reason I thought the pills might be like taking e. So for three hours I would be in the dentist chair all floaty having the most amazing high. I even told this dyke I ran into in the elevator how forward I was looking to getting high.

Didn't happen. The pills just knocked me out. And that was amazing. I have no idea what they did to me. They might have been coping a feel. Sometimes I wonder why all my thoughts are sexual. As are yours. You always hope the cable/phone/hydro/water/gas guy will be hot. Really hot. And want you open the door...."Meter's that way", you sigh.

My surgeon is unbelievable. He even phoned me at home on Sunday night to check in to so see how I was doing. And then today. I am sitting at my desk and the receptionist calls to say that a package had arrived for me from my dentist's office. I thought that was odd, but maybe they are sending me more pain killers, or my, well, I couldn't really think of what they would be sending me. So I went out to the receptionist to get my package and it was a "get well" gift. This cute little mug with herbal teas. A card with a hand written message from my surgeon. Not typed. No rubber stamp. No pre-printed statement. I think my friends should take note. Or perhaps the surgeon has a little crush on me. Why does that always happen?

hmmm

I have been housebound for the last few days after having dental surgery. And it has been lovely. There is nothing like the feeling of having permission to do nothing in our current society that is all based on what you accomplish in a day. More is better is the message that we constantly hear. Knowing in advance that I was going to have all this time to do nothing was a little unsettling. I mean what would I actually do. A friend had told me about "Dead Like Me", a television series that was only on for two seasons, so I went out and bought both seasons, curled up on the couch with lots of pillows and my ensure. Note: want to lose that holiday weight that you put on...have dental surgery.

What a gentle series about death. It really is the one big mystery that we know nothing about. When I was young and my parents tried to explain death to me, and my parents weren't very good about explaining anything, I thought of heaven as the same thing as earth. Except no one dies. So my dogs went to heaven when they died and were running around happy. For a little while I even wanted to die. After all heaven sounded pretty good. Grandma was now with Grandpa and they were waiting for me to come some day. I really couldn't understand the point of waiting. I wanted to go then. I was a rather dark, introverted child. I am still curious as to what will happen, but I can now wait. The series does not provide any answers, I like that the most. Please don't spoil my surprise. However it does make death look so gentle. The "reapers" take your soul just before you die, so you don't have to bear any of the unpleasantness. I like that. It is actually a great little series. I highly recommend it.

2007...bring it on

I am one of those people that has decided to be open to everything in life. I now believe anything is possible and one of those things is astrology. I am not saying that I will base my entire life on my horoscope, but I am open to it.

So I checked out what the stars have in store for me in 2007, and this is what it will look like:

1) Serious? Yep, lately, anyway. So first, resolve to enjoy life again (ok that's true and that was my plan before I read it...cool)
2) Aim for romance, romance and more romance, from June through September. (that wasn't in my thoughts, but I must admit sounds fun)
3) Choose one of those playmates and have a real live relationship by November. (shit, I have to choose one, what about enjoying life? Ok I have avoided a serious relationship for some time, so maybe it is time)
4) Turn your most-loved hobby into a part-time income, at least. (that makes sense, I want to write a book and I love writing)
5) Make it the way you earn your daily bread by the time you hang the mistletoe (oh dear, I have actually given myself two years to write my book, that is pressure I don't need, oh well)

And the best:

"The passion you feel toward your family this year will lead to a powerful relationship you may have never known. Examine your connection to your past and assess how it affects your present-day reality. Since you experience much of your emotion through creative endeavors, it would serve you well to teach, write or share some of the profound insights you've gained through this time of personal transformation."

How dead on is that....that is exactly what my book is going to be about, my personal insights to the last year of my life.

All in all it is going to be an amazing year.

The Year in Review

I look back on 2006 with excitment, horror, love, a shiver and a sigh. It was a good year, it was a tough year and I learned a lot.

My 10 favourite things from 2006:

1) My friends. For continuing to be there for those tough parts as well as the fun and exciting parts.

2) Paris...if you have been there you know why, if you haven't go.

3) "The Village"...it is wonderful to live in the largest city in Canada and yet at the same time live in a neighbor where you run into friends and acquaintances as you run your errands.

4) The boys I dated this year. Thank you all for bringing something into my life.

5) My boss....who really is quite cool and let's me try anything and continually gives me opportunities to grow.

6) "Jo Ghosts" shoes....I love them, nothing more need be said

7) Rosanne Cash...I love her music, I find a lot of strength in her songs and I love the fact that she goes deep and feels.

8) My home...being a leo our home is important to us. I love my little corner of the world.

9)Casey House....I couldn't do it anymore but I am so glad it exists.

10) and finally me for embracing all of the above in 2006.


10 Things I cared less for in 2006.

1) The filming of Saddum's hanging. I never knew the man and he never did anything to me...I do not need to see him die. I haven't watched it or the news in three days. I don't need to know that much about life.

2) Celebrities...would someone step up and say their antics aren't that interesting...have you met some of my friends?? Far more interesting people.

3) Big Cars.....we know the problem there...take public transit.

4) Idiots leading countries...god give us strength.

5) People who are superficial....a little is ok, but come on, you are fascinating complex people, go deep, you may be pleasantly surprised at what you find.

6) People's expectations of others. Again, come on, it is hard enough to live up to the expectations I have for myself, let alone your expectations of me/for me.

7) Airport security....is it necessary to strip search Grandma or is this being done so no one can say you aren't "targeting" certain individuals.

8)People who do not appreciate everything that we have. We are so blessed in this country.

9) Broken Hearts....I get we are all going to get our hearts broken sometime, that is the only way we know we were truly in love, but they still make me sad when I see them.

10) Another year has gone by and the world is still in a state of chaos....I guess there are some things you can always count on.

Cheers and I look forward to another interesting year.