The christmas holidays have come to a close and they have been magical for me. I was lucky to have lots of time off to enjoy the holidays with friends, new and old, as well as some personal time. Tonight I took some time too myself and thought about my Grandmother, Forestine. I guess that is what memories are for. To surround us with love. People really don't leave....ever. They live on in your heart and in your mind. It is a wonderful thing to truly know in your life that you were unconditionally loved by someone and loved them back unconditionally. I keep saying this is the year I let it all go, but I am surprised what I am taking back. I am reclaiming that unconditional love....it is still there....it is me.
I am realizing tonight how much my Grandmother really knew me. How I think? What my values are? She was grateful for everything she had, as little as it was, as she had worked hard for it. She would walk into a room and the room would light up as a result of her presence. She would be wearing plastic jewllery from the Five and Dime, but she was so proud that she walked like royalty.
It seems today we are never proud of what we have. We always need better or more. Faster and shinier. The latest and the greatest. I don't see many people walking around proud of what they have. As I continue to downsize I become happier and happier. It is nice to sit and be proud of what you have instead of always reaching for something more. However, I am not quite prepared to give up my clothing addiction....aferall Grandma, I'm gay.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Smoking
OK...I am glad to find out people are reading my blog. I have had a few people comment to me that I have not been updating it. Well, there is the new job, the guy I was dating, the holiday season and I have finally started writing my book I keep talking about. And I am smoking again. There it is out there. I am tired of lying about, hiding it, and dismissing it with an "only when I am drinking". I do hate it. I just came to realize tonight the only way I will be happy is to actually quite. Since I beat myself up everytime I have one. It's not like I am sitting there sucking on this thing thinking "love it". I used too. I guess that is what I remember is that I used to like. I guess it was fun in the summer when I was partying more. Or was it? It really is a nasty habit. It does sink...I have been in people's home recently that smoke all the time and it is disgusting. The taste in your mouth....yuck...yellow teeth and fingers....yuck.....I keep running over and over in my head...I'm going to quite.....I'm going to quite...I know I will cut down....and I don't.
So what I need is a plan....write it out and follow it and stick to it. I think I want to do a reduction strategy to start. I just don't think I can do it. I believe that I can quite, but I need a plan that will work for me. Right now I believe the reduction strategy will work. So starting tomorrow I can only have 3 cigarettes a day.
Wish me luck...I will keep you posted.
So what I need is a plan....write it out and follow it and stick to it. I think I want to do a reduction strategy to start. I just don't think I can do it. I believe that I can quite, but I need a plan that will work for me. Right now I believe the reduction strategy will work. So starting tomorrow I can only have 3 cigarettes a day.
Wish me luck...I will keep you posted.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Salsa Cardio
I have been a little lost lately wondering what my next thing was going to be. My gym had closed and I joined a new one but just couldn't get into it. I have never been one of those people that has a passion for one thing and are able to commit to it completely. I happen to be one of those people that enjoy the variety that life has to offer. Maybe that is one of the reasons I have chosen to stay single for so long but that is another story or at least for another blog entry.
Each year I always start something new with an unbridled passion for it thinking this is the absolute best, why didn't I do this before. For 2006 it was yoga, I was so sure that yoga was me. I was grounded, centred, togethered, calm....I even gave some thought to taking classes to become a yoga instructor. Running around town with my little yoga mat over my shoulder, trying to talk everyone into taking up yoga. I even tried to arrange for a yoga instructor to come to our recent Management retreat at work. Well that is done. The year before I was a runner. Bought all the gear, ran in the winter, the rain, the heat of summer. I ran in all kinds of 10k's raising money for this charity and that charity....well that too was soon done. The summer before that...was soccer. I loved everything that I tried....for a while anyway.
But alas, the new gym has a salsa cardio class. Love it, love it, love it. I love dancing....and since I am in my 40's keeping my 30 inch waist is a little trickier. But shaking my hips across the dance studio as opposed to running on a treadmill. There is no need to talk about which is more fun. Sure I had no idea what I was doing. I was always going the wrong direction and my left foot was moving instead of my right. My hands were up when they were supposed to be down. But there I was in the front row with a big smile on my face. Not unlike the final scene of "Little Miss Sunshine", I was giving it all I had. So that is my new thing... I will be trying to talk everyone into coming to class because it is so great. I love life and I love that I don't let myself get bored and am willing to always try something new.
See you in class :)
Each year I always start something new with an unbridled passion for it thinking this is the absolute best, why didn't I do this before. For 2006 it was yoga, I was so sure that yoga was me. I was grounded, centred, togethered, calm....I even gave some thought to taking classes to become a yoga instructor. Running around town with my little yoga mat over my shoulder, trying to talk everyone into taking up yoga. I even tried to arrange for a yoga instructor to come to our recent Management retreat at work. Well that is done. The year before I was a runner. Bought all the gear, ran in the winter, the rain, the heat of summer. I ran in all kinds of 10k's raising money for this charity and that charity....well that too was soon done. The summer before that...was soccer. I loved everything that I tried....for a while anyway.
But alas, the new gym has a salsa cardio class. Love it, love it, love it. I love dancing....and since I am in my 40's keeping my 30 inch waist is a little trickier. But shaking my hips across the dance studio as opposed to running on a treadmill. There is no need to talk about which is more fun. Sure I had no idea what I was doing. I was always going the wrong direction and my left foot was moving instead of my right. My hands were up when they were supposed to be down. But there I was in the front row with a big smile on my face. Not unlike the final scene of "Little Miss Sunshine", I was giving it all I had. So that is my new thing... I will be trying to talk everyone into coming to class because it is so great. I love life and I love that I don't let myself get bored and am willing to always try something new.
See you in class :)
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Life
"We are all lawyers in the court case of life" Steve Roy
I love this saying. And understanding it and appreciating it makes life so much simplier. I recently have had the joy of spending some time with Steve Roy who shared this outlook on life and I love it. I didn't understand it at first and asked him to explain it to me. Like a lawyer we have the ability to argue for or against a case. The same goes for life. You can argue for the things that are "right" or "positive" in a situation or you can argue for the things that are "wrong" or "negative" in life. You can also create situations that will be favourable or create situations that are less than favourable. If you look for what is wrong, you will find it. If you look for what is right you will also find that. Which way do you want to live.
My mother doesn't feel I come home enough. And it is true, I don't. That is the way that she sees it and will beleive it and will defend that point/belief creating her own personal dissatisfaction with me. The way I see it is that she creates scenarios that are impossible for me to attend. There is going to be a surprise birthday for a family friend and my Mother has arranged it and invited us kids. Here is the ticket, my parents and the friend in question are all retired and live in a small town about 2 hours north of the city. My mother has planned the party for a monday evening with dinner at 7:00 in another small town about 15 minutes from where they live. All of my siblings, myself included, work, so Monday is probably not the ideal day for any of us. Also given most of us work in the city, it is virtually impossible to get out of the city and up to Orangeville by 7:00 o'clock. I also don't own a car. So she will argue that I don't come home. I wonder which side I am arguing for, going home or finding reasons not to go home. Ahh...families....what fun!!
I love this saying. And understanding it and appreciating it makes life so much simplier. I recently have had the joy of spending some time with Steve Roy who shared this outlook on life and I love it. I didn't understand it at first and asked him to explain it to me. Like a lawyer we have the ability to argue for or against a case. The same goes for life. You can argue for the things that are "right" or "positive" in a situation or you can argue for the things that are "wrong" or "negative" in life. You can also create situations that will be favourable or create situations that are less than favourable. If you look for what is wrong, you will find it. If you look for what is right you will also find that. Which way do you want to live.
My mother doesn't feel I come home enough. And it is true, I don't. That is the way that she sees it and will beleive it and will defend that point/belief creating her own personal dissatisfaction with me. The way I see it is that she creates scenarios that are impossible for me to attend. There is going to be a surprise birthday for a family friend and my Mother has arranged it and invited us kids. Here is the ticket, my parents and the friend in question are all retired and live in a small town about 2 hours north of the city. My mother has planned the party for a monday evening with dinner at 7:00 in another small town about 15 minutes from where they live. All of my siblings, myself included, work, so Monday is probably not the ideal day for any of us. Also given most of us work in the city, it is virtually impossible to get out of the city and up to Orangeville by 7:00 o'clock. I also don't own a car. So she will argue that I don't come home. I wonder which side I am arguing for, going home or finding reasons not to go home. Ahh...families....what fun!!
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Just Like Heaven
"When you're open to what life throws at you, and willing to truly accept that there is a plan that this is a part of, life becomes much easier" Johnny Hazzard
For those of you who do not know who Johnny Hazzard is, he is a gay porn star. Why am I quoting him. Well I was on his website today, just all part of the interconnectedness of life, but there is currently a video of him on YouTube dancing (clothed) to a song written by none other than our own James Collins, who I have written about earlier recommending that you buy his new CD. Anyway I went on to check out the song as James has been talking to me about it and found the above quote. I love including a quote in my blog that strikes home.
This strikes home as I have exploring more and more of my spiritual side. And by spiritual I don't mean religion. I also watched the movie today "Just Like Heaven", if you haven't seen it, it is a cute movie that makes you want to believe. And believing in something positive is a much more attractive way to live your life I think. But I do believe that there is path for all of us and the signs are all there. In this fast paced world that is dominated by pop culture, especially television and magazines that tell us how we are supposed to look, what we are supposed to wear, the kind of martini we should order, it is no wonder that people never see the signs. I see them everyday now. Even when I see them I sometimes still decide to travel down a road that I know isn't right and when I get to the end of the road and find out it was a deadend, I smile and say "I knew that". But when I allow myself to open up to the universe and be guided by something bigger than me, the road becomes a gentle trip. I really don't have a whole lot more to say on that right now, partly because it is personal, partly because I am still having fun figuring it out. I just thought it was something for you to think about.
For those of you who do not know who Johnny Hazzard is, he is a gay porn star. Why am I quoting him. Well I was on his website today, just all part of the interconnectedness of life, but there is currently a video of him on YouTube dancing (clothed) to a song written by none other than our own James Collins, who I have written about earlier recommending that you buy his new CD. Anyway I went on to check out the song as James has been talking to me about it and found the above quote. I love including a quote in my blog that strikes home.
This strikes home as I have exploring more and more of my spiritual side. And by spiritual I don't mean religion. I also watched the movie today "Just Like Heaven", if you haven't seen it, it is a cute movie that makes you want to believe. And believing in something positive is a much more attractive way to live your life I think. But I do believe that there is path for all of us and the signs are all there. In this fast paced world that is dominated by pop culture, especially television and magazines that tell us how we are supposed to look, what we are supposed to wear, the kind of martini we should order, it is no wonder that people never see the signs. I see them everyday now. Even when I see them I sometimes still decide to travel down a road that I know isn't right and when I get to the end of the road and find out it was a deadend, I smile and say "I knew that". But when I allow myself to open up to the universe and be guided by something bigger than me, the road becomes a gentle trip. I really don't have a whole lot more to say on that right now, partly because it is personal, partly because I am still having fun figuring it out. I just thought it was something for you to think about.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Dixie Chicks Rock
After what seems like months since I ordered the tickets the Dixie Chicks performed in Toronto. I was never a huge fan until America turned against them. I love the underdog that stands strong. And that is what they did. Before the show my friend Ryan and I discussed what the show might be like. We wondered if it would be political or if they would pull out all stops and put on a show that left those so ignorant that they would someday regret they missed it. America misses it. In everything they do.
They did neither. The show was about the music. It seemed to me to be more of a statement that they don't have to prove anything. The stage was simple, the music excellent, the songs powerful, the songs fun. It was about the music. When they performed I'm Not Ready To Make Nice, there was a collective energy of support that filled the building. It was not just a song. There was a power in it. In the crowd. The show was amazing. The show was fun....sometimes you just got to get up and dance.
Speaking of proving, a simple statement was made to me after the show when I stopped in at Wish for a birthday party. A sexy, good looking guy whispered in my ear that he always used to look for proof. And now he no longer does. I guess it really wasn't a simple statement. I too have always looked for proof. I get how exhausting that can be.
Carry on.
They did neither. The show was about the music. It seemed to me to be more of a statement that they don't have to prove anything. The stage was simple, the music excellent, the songs powerful, the songs fun. It was about the music. When they performed I'm Not Ready To Make Nice, there was a collective energy of support that filled the building. It was not just a song. There was a power in it. In the crowd. The show was amazing. The show was fun....sometimes you just got to get up and dance.
Speaking of proving, a simple statement was made to me after the show when I stopped in at Wish for a birthday party. A sexy, good looking guy whispered in my ear that he always used to look for proof. And now he no longer does. I guess it really wasn't a simple statement. I too have always looked for proof. I get how exhausting that can be.
Carry on.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Running With Scissors
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" Dr. Wayne W Dyer.
That is a quote I came across recently and saved it as I wanted to use it on my blog and was waiting for the right time. The right time came tonight and on so many different levels.
I saw Running With Scissors with a long term friend (I dare not use the word old), but we did grow up in Grand Valley together and are lifes have always been woven together in the most interesting ways. I loved the book. I want to make that clear. I found it funny, from my perspective, as I read it. The characters were all from Augustine Bourroughs prespective. I loved, loved, loved the movie. Annette Benning is amazing. She brings a prespective and life to the character of the mother that was missing in the book. Jill Clayborgh is also outstanding as the Doctor's wife, and added a dimension to the character that isn't there in the book. It is rare for me to have liked a movie better then the book. This is an exception and as I said I loved the book. Put this on your must see movie of the 2006. The way that I look at his childhood and his experiences has changed as a result of looking at the characters differently.
Personally tonight I haven't laugh so hard in a long time. And that was before the movie started. One of the things about having a friend that shared the same small town high school experience together and shared a huge part of our twenties together and then hit the party scene together in or thirties, you do have a lot of shared pasts. And ad came on for the Trailor Park Boys.....not that dissimiliar to our beginnings. And Shaun leaned over and whispered "See it could have been worse". I can't begin to tell you how funny that became and how hard I laughed. I would like to say we, but how can I make the same statement for everyone, so I will simply say I have been so hard on myself and really it could have turned out a lot worse. It really made me laugh at life and changed the way I look at things. My new motto is going to be "It could have been a lot worse". I find that simple and funny. And after all why take life so seriously.
Happy Thursday
That is a quote I came across recently and saved it as I wanted to use it on my blog and was waiting for the right time. The right time came tonight and on so many different levels.
I saw Running With Scissors with a long term friend (I dare not use the word old), but we did grow up in Grand Valley together and are lifes have always been woven together in the most interesting ways. I loved the book. I want to make that clear. I found it funny, from my perspective, as I read it. The characters were all from Augustine Bourroughs prespective. I loved, loved, loved the movie. Annette Benning is amazing. She brings a prespective and life to the character of the mother that was missing in the book. Jill Clayborgh is also outstanding as the Doctor's wife, and added a dimension to the character that isn't there in the book. It is rare for me to have liked a movie better then the book. This is an exception and as I said I loved the book. Put this on your must see movie of the 2006. The way that I look at his childhood and his experiences has changed as a result of looking at the characters differently.
Personally tonight I haven't laugh so hard in a long time. And that was before the movie started. One of the things about having a friend that shared the same small town high school experience together and shared a huge part of our twenties together and then hit the party scene together in or thirties, you do have a lot of shared pasts. And ad came on for the Trailor Park Boys.....not that dissimiliar to our beginnings. And Shaun leaned over and whispered "See it could have been worse". I can't begin to tell you how funny that became and how hard I laughed. I would like to say we, but how can I make the same statement for everyone, so I will simply say I have been so hard on myself and really it could have turned out a lot worse. It really made me laugh at life and changed the way I look at things. My new motto is going to be "It could have been a lot worse". I find that simple and funny. And after all why take life so seriously.
Happy Thursday
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Honey, You Ain't in Kansas
I have just returned from a two day whirlwind conference in Ottawa.
Two things:
One: Labels
I am not a big fan of labels, but I am gay. That's all. I have been my whole life and it is something I just don't think about. It has nothing to do with my career, my hobbies, yes it impacts who I sleep with and what turns me on. I find the label "straight acting" extremely funny. I don't think I act straight or act gay....I act like me. However, when struting up to the Tim Horton's counter at a road side stop on the 401 amongst truckers and rednecks, I have to admit that I do stand out and look gay. Hmm...perhaps I can be labelled after all.
Two: Gay Marriage
I never really watch the news. I would rather focus on my world than the world around me. But for some strange reason I decided to turn on the news this morning while getting ready. And low and behold, one block from my hotel on Parliament Hill there was going to be some kind of something going on by some group about opening up the debate again on gay marriage....you know the kind of stuff about saving the sanctity of marriage and protecting family values, blah, blah, blah. Was it a coincidence that I happened to be in Ottawa on the same day, a block away. Perhaps not. I am not a big believer in marriage. I didn't witness a happy one growing up, so what the big fuss is about I'll never know. But it started me thinking that we gays have been fighting the right to get married the wrong way. I myself am more of a negotiator than a fighter. So I think that gays should give up the fight for the right to get married. Instead we should jump onboard the bandwagon to save the sanctity of marriage and protect family values. So I urge all homosexuals to end the fight, right here and right now. However, as I said, I like to negotiate. So in return all heterosexuals can give up the right to get divorced, or separated, or annulled. No they must simply live the rest of their lifes with that one person they made the vow to love till death do them part. So today I ask the straight world that if they give up the right to divorce, I will give up my right to get married.
Ain't Love Grand.....
Two things:
One: Labels
I am not a big fan of labels, but I am gay. That's all. I have been my whole life and it is something I just don't think about. It has nothing to do with my career, my hobbies, yes it impacts who I sleep with and what turns me on. I find the label "straight acting" extremely funny. I don't think I act straight or act gay....I act like me. However, when struting up to the Tim Horton's counter at a road side stop on the 401 amongst truckers and rednecks, I have to admit that I do stand out and look gay. Hmm...perhaps I can be labelled after all.
Two: Gay Marriage
I never really watch the news. I would rather focus on my world than the world around me. But for some strange reason I decided to turn on the news this morning while getting ready. And low and behold, one block from my hotel on Parliament Hill there was going to be some kind of something going on by some group about opening up the debate again on gay marriage....you know the kind of stuff about saving the sanctity of marriage and protecting family values, blah, blah, blah. Was it a coincidence that I happened to be in Ottawa on the same day, a block away. Perhaps not. I am not a big believer in marriage. I didn't witness a happy one growing up, so what the big fuss is about I'll never know. But it started me thinking that we gays have been fighting the right to get married the wrong way. I myself am more of a negotiator than a fighter. So I think that gays should give up the fight for the right to get married. Instead we should jump onboard the bandwagon to save the sanctity of marriage and protect family values. So I urge all homosexuals to end the fight, right here and right now. However, as I said, I like to negotiate. So in return all heterosexuals can give up the right to get divorced, or separated, or annulled. No they must simply live the rest of their lifes with that one person they made the vow to love till death do them part. So today I ask the straight world that if they give up the right to divorce, I will give up my right to get married.
Ain't Love Grand.....
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Seasons
I am one of those people that love the fact that I live in a country that has four seasons. Perhaps because I have a restless soul and the changing seasons somehow satisfies it. Every few months you know that your physical, mental and emotional space will change with the seasons. You eat differently, your fashions change, how you spend your leisure time changes. We have had our first real blast of fall this week with rainy, windly, gloomy days. This finds me drawn to movies as I settle in forlate fall.
At the theater this week I saw:
The Black Dalhia: My recommendation is don't go and don't bother to rent when it comes out on DVD. The movie tries, with what seems like a thousand subplots and you wait for it all to come together in the end. And it doesn't. Both my friend Vicki and I left going...What?!?!
Little Miss Sunshine: I highly recommend. The beginning was a little darker than I expected. Actually I was struggling with the movie as each character was so bleak. As the movie progresses you begin to see each character overcoming and accepting what it is they have to face. Dreams are wonderful, but watching them go up in smoke is painful, overcoming the disapointment is a powerful statement about the human spirit. The end brings it all together, there is a collective joy for all the characters. No more need be said, if you haven't seen it, I will not be the one to take away the ending. Yes, I can be a little emotional....so I cried, but they were happy tears. Go and enjoy.
This is also the time I tend to rent movies and catch up on what I had missed throughout the summer.
Kinky Boots: Again a movie that takes you through this dark, bleak beginning and watching characters struggle and continue to believe. The ending is spectacular, just plain kickass fun.
Adam and Steve: A friend had loaned me this movie and it has been kicking around my place all summer. Although I personally find the opening a little distasteful for me, there is nothing I love more than an adorable romance story. And one between two gay men...ah...my heart melts. Who wouldn't want to be part of that couple as they dated and fell in love. Meeting each others parents....the movie is quirky (I love quirky). The final showdown scene, country line dancing. Again pure fun and full of romance. My dream.
This weekend Running With Scissors opens, so I have already made that my plan for satuday night. I have finished the book, again a recommended read, so am looking forward to see how they have adapted the movie.
Enjoy these rainy days and catch up on some great movies. Happy Thursday.
At the theater this week I saw:
The Black Dalhia: My recommendation is don't go and don't bother to rent when it comes out on DVD. The movie tries, with what seems like a thousand subplots and you wait for it all to come together in the end. And it doesn't. Both my friend Vicki and I left going...What?!?!
Little Miss Sunshine: I highly recommend. The beginning was a little darker than I expected. Actually I was struggling with the movie as each character was so bleak. As the movie progresses you begin to see each character overcoming and accepting what it is they have to face. Dreams are wonderful, but watching them go up in smoke is painful, overcoming the disapointment is a powerful statement about the human spirit. The end brings it all together, there is a collective joy for all the characters. No more need be said, if you haven't seen it, I will not be the one to take away the ending. Yes, I can be a little emotional....so I cried, but they were happy tears. Go and enjoy.
This is also the time I tend to rent movies and catch up on what I had missed throughout the summer.
Kinky Boots: Again a movie that takes you through this dark, bleak beginning and watching characters struggle and continue to believe. The ending is spectacular, just plain kickass fun.
Adam and Steve: A friend had loaned me this movie and it has been kicking around my place all summer. Although I personally find the opening a little distasteful for me, there is nothing I love more than an adorable romance story. And one between two gay men...ah...my heart melts. Who wouldn't want to be part of that couple as they dated and fell in love. Meeting each others parents....the movie is quirky (I love quirky). The final showdown scene, country line dancing. Again pure fun and full of romance. My dream.
This weekend Running With Scissors opens, so I have already made that my plan for satuday night. I have finished the book, again a recommended read, so am looking forward to see how they have adapted the movie.
Enjoy these rainy days and catch up on some great movies. Happy Thursday.
Monday, October 16, 2006
The Journey
"The trick is to keep moving forward, let go of the fear and regret that slow us down and keep us from enjoying a journey that is over too soon" Season Finale, Season 2, Desperate Housewives
Anyone that knows me will say that I have become very intropsective over the last couple of years. One friend said to me "It's ok, it is just different". It is true it has been different. I have been declaring all summer that this is the year I let it all go. And I have been. And I seem to recieve messages everyday in the most unexpected ways. Sunday morning, while finishing up watching season 2 of Desperate Housewives, the above quote was the closing comments.
It made me stop, rewind, and write the quote down. How much I have lived my life with both fear and regret and how it has slowed me down. Which is why I had to start letting it all go. And the funny thing about letting it all go is how many layers there are too it. Just keep peeling them away to find another layer. And then you slowing watch everything coming back, but differently. Sometimes I just have to laugh out loud at all the chances I am willing to take, yes sometimes there is a little nagle of fear tugging at the corner of my mind, but a deep breath and soldier on. We are all so different, having different childhoods, in different parts of the world, with different living conditions. However that thread of fear and regret runs through us all. Not everything I will do will work out. I have learned that. I have laughed and cried a thousand tears this year. I never cried before for either happy events or sad events. But doing nothing and feeling nothing results in nothing. My life isn't necessarily happy , but it is getting better. And that is something to get excited about.
On a less introspect note I recently bought James Collins new CD titled The Messenger. I know James from the gym and always chat with him there as he has this amazing energy that draws you to him. It is an interesting CD, I recommend picking it up. In a world of pop music that feels like fluff it is a treat to listen to something with depth to it. My favourite track is probably "Fly". I am a sucker for a ballad. Check out his website at www.jamescollins.com
Happy Monday
Anyone that knows me will say that I have become very intropsective over the last couple of years. One friend said to me "It's ok, it is just different". It is true it has been different. I have been declaring all summer that this is the year I let it all go. And I have been. And I seem to recieve messages everyday in the most unexpected ways. Sunday morning, while finishing up watching season 2 of Desperate Housewives, the above quote was the closing comments.
It made me stop, rewind, and write the quote down. How much I have lived my life with both fear and regret and how it has slowed me down. Which is why I had to start letting it all go. And the funny thing about letting it all go is how many layers there are too it. Just keep peeling them away to find another layer. And then you slowing watch everything coming back, but differently. Sometimes I just have to laugh out loud at all the chances I am willing to take, yes sometimes there is a little nagle of fear tugging at the corner of my mind, but a deep breath and soldier on. We are all so different, having different childhoods, in different parts of the world, with different living conditions. However that thread of fear and regret runs through us all. Not everything I will do will work out. I have learned that. I have laughed and cried a thousand tears this year. I never cried before for either happy events or sad events. But doing nothing and feeling nothing results in nothing. My life isn't necessarily happy , but it is getting better. And that is something to get excited about.
On a less introspect note I recently bought James Collins new CD titled The Messenger. I know James from the gym and always chat with him there as he has this amazing energy that draws you to him. It is an interesting CD, I recommend picking it up. In a world of pop music that feels like fluff it is a treat to listen to something with depth to it. My favourite track is probably "Fly". I am a sucker for a ballad. Check out his website at www.jamescollins.com
Happy Monday
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
I have been wanting to start my blog for a few weeks now. I wanted to start it before I went to Amsterdam and Paris so I could update it while I was away. I wanted to start it as soon as I got back, but what a crazy week. As life goes, events kept happening that seemed to prevent me from making it happen. Life....but somehow it is most appropriate to be starting now, right after Thanksgiving that saw me spending my time with so many friends in very unique situations. For anyone that shared some part of my weekend, whether in person, on the phone, by email....whether laughing or crying, all of you made me especsially thankful that I have met you and have shared in some part of your life.
Desperate Housewives: I am currently busy watching Season 2 on DVD. I just can't seem to find the time to watch it on a regular bases, so I love the fact that everything comes out on DVD these days. Personally I am still loving it. As much as it seem to lose it status as the "darling" of tv that it possessed in Season 1, it is still incredibly funny and incredibly insightful. It reminds me that we should laugh more at life. I am haivng one problem with the show though and that is the continuity in scenes. A couple of examples, there is a scene between Gabby and Carlos in the hospital and Gabby arms are both crossed in front of her and at her sides in the scene and she never moves them.....and then there is a scene between Susan and Eddie in a "Wings Joint" and Eddie's beer glass keeps getting fuller even though she is drinking from it and not refilling. Perhaps I am one of the few people that notice these things, but they seem to just jump of the screen when I am watching. Nonetheless good fun. If you aren't watching, pick it up, sit back and laugh and learn.
I am currently reading Running With Scissors by Augusten Buroughs. I had picked the book up a few times in a bookstore but had enough books at home I need to read I kept putting it back on the shelf. Then I read that they were going to make it into a movie with Annete Bening and I usually life to read a book before I see the movie. I find the books are much richer and usually enjoy seeing how the director, actors interpret it compared to how I visually saw it when reading. Reading it I am not sure if I should be laughing as much as I am. It is so out there I feel like I am reading a piece of fiction, then I need to remind myself that it is a memoir, and while still funny, I also feel a sense of sadness for the struggle that Augusten must have felt as a child when we are all trying to fit in and be accepted. Suddenly for me growing up gay in rural Ontario is no longer the big deal that I used to think it was.
There is theme that took place this weekend, real life as some friends shared the challenges and joys they are facing, Deperates Housewives putting the outrageous right out there, and Running With Scissors showing a real picture of someone's life. I am entirely glad that I have made friends with people that feel they can always be real around me no matter what is going on and allow me to be real, no matter what is going on. I nenver have to pretend anymore. Life is so much better when you are yourself.
The name Forestine was my Grandmother's name, which is why I choice to title my blog, using her name. She was the most amazing person that I ever have known. I still miss not being able to talk to her face to face. As much as she lives on in my heart it is never the same as seeing the joy on her face everytime she saw me. During my childhood when I felt unloved and unwanted at home, bullied at school, she always shone like an angel when she would see me walk into the room.
I have no idea what I plan to do with this blog, but thanks for visiting.
Desperate Housewives: I am currently busy watching Season 2 on DVD. I just can't seem to find the time to watch it on a regular bases, so I love the fact that everything comes out on DVD these days. Personally I am still loving it. As much as it seem to lose it status as the "darling" of tv that it possessed in Season 1, it is still incredibly funny and incredibly insightful. It reminds me that we should laugh more at life. I am haivng one problem with the show though and that is the continuity in scenes. A couple of examples, there is a scene between Gabby and Carlos in the hospital and Gabby arms are both crossed in front of her and at her sides in the scene and she never moves them.....and then there is a scene between Susan and Eddie in a "Wings Joint" and Eddie's beer glass keeps getting fuller even though she is drinking from it and not refilling. Perhaps I am one of the few people that notice these things, but they seem to just jump of the screen when I am watching. Nonetheless good fun. If you aren't watching, pick it up, sit back and laugh and learn.
I am currently reading Running With Scissors by Augusten Buroughs. I had picked the book up a few times in a bookstore but had enough books at home I need to read I kept putting it back on the shelf. Then I read that they were going to make it into a movie with Annete Bening and I usually life to read a book before I see the movie. I find the books are much richer and usually enjoy seeing how the director, actors interpret it compared to how I visually saw it when reading. Reading it I am not sure if I should be laughing as much as I am. It is so out there I feel like I am reading a piece of fiction, then I need to remind myself that it is a memoir, and while still funny, I also feel a sense of sadness for the struggle that Augusten must have felt as a child when we are all trying to fit in and be accepted. Suddenly for me growing up gay in rural Ontario is no longer the big deal that I used to think it was.
There is theme that took place this weekend, real life as some friends shared the challenges and joys they are facing, Deperates Housewives putting the outrageous right out there, and Running With Scissors showing a real picture of someone's life. I am entirely glad that I have made friends with people that feel they can always be real around me no matter what is going on and allow me to be real, no matter what is going on. I nenver have to pretend anymore. Life is so much better when you are yourself.
The name Forestine was my Grandmother's name, which is why I choice to title my blog, using her name. She was the most amazing person that I ever have known. I still miss not being able to talk to her face to face. As much as she lives on in my heart it is never the same as seeing the joy on her face everytime she saw me. During my childhood when I felt unloved and unwanted at home, bullied at school, she always shone like an angel when she would see me walk into the room.
I have no idea what I plan to do with this blog, but thanks for visiting.
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