Good Bye 2007

I for one will be glad to say good bye to 2007. It wasn't a bad year. I had a lot of amazing experiences and a lot of great things happened to me. I bought my new place. I did the PWA Friends for Life Bike Rally. Work is now under control. I went to New York at Christmas. There were more challenges than I would have preferred. Those will be forgotten in time and I will be left with nothing but my happy memories. So thanks 2007 for the ride but I want to get off.

My Body

2007 is coming to a close and I have been giving some thought to what my goals for 2008 would be. For sure one of them will be getting back to the gym and yoga. A lot happened in 2007 that prevented me from going to the gym on a regular basis. I want to set realistic goals for myself. I was lying in bed last night trying to formulate the goal of going back to the gym. It isn't enough to have that as a goal. I needed to have more specific results attached to the goal. In trying to determine what the results were that I wanted I came to the conclusion that I wanted to look like I did when I was in my thirties. I have always been lean. The word skinny comes to mind, but I hate the word. I have always had a small waist. I still hover around 30 inches. After the bike ride I was back to a 28 inch waist. I haven't had a 28 inch waist since I was in my twenties. I had a toned, fit body in my thirties. People found me sexy. But here is life's colossal joke. I didn't want the body I had when I was in my thirties. I always wanted to be bigger. A muscle bound jock. That never happened. Where did the body go I used to hate. I want it back. I will never complain again about my body if I regain the body I once had and hated.

Sunday Morning in a Snow Globe

It is my favourite Sunday morning. There is something special about Sunday mornings when winter first starts. I have nowhere to go. I spend the morning sipping coffee, listening to music, putzing around my home. And there are big snow flakes swirling around outside my window. I am living in a snow globe. I love that.

Half the Moon

Half the moon is shining tonight,
Half the moon is pitch black.
Half the moon offers me hope,
Half the moon is my despair.
Half the moon washes over me with peace,
Half the moon tramples my troubled soul.
Half the moon is letting me go,
Half the moon is holding me back.
Half the moon is more than I need,
Half the moon is never enough.
Half the moon is all I see,
but the full moon will always be.

World Aids Day

Today is World Aids Day. As an HIV- man I am greatly affected by HIV/AIDS. I realize that there is a big difference between being affected vs being infected. I also remember the beginning. I was still very young. Just in my teens. I was sleeping with one of my high school teachers and one night at his place he brought out condoms before anal sex because of "things" that he was hearing. When I first moved to Toronto in the eighties sexual contact was fairly limited. Most people were scared. There was this thing called AIDS and there were no answers, just questions. The one thing that we should be able to do freely, sex, was no longer free. There was a very big price tag and no one was shopping. A lot has changed. And a lot hasn't. It will soon be thirty years. Thirty years and people still test positive everyday. There are still no answers. And I am still greatly affected by HIV. It is part of my daily life. I have volunteered at Casey House. This summer I did the PWA bike ride. I attend numerous fund raisers. I donate monthly to ACT. I had a lover who was HIV+. I have friends that have been positive for a long time and friends that have recently become infected. It impacts my dating life. I won't date someone who is HIV+. That always causes a reaction but I have no need to provide anyone with all the reasons why. As mentioned I had a lover who was HIV+ so you must realize that decision is also partly based on personal experience. Thirty years ago HIV/AIDS brought the gay community together. Now it has divided us on some level. There is an isolation and rejection that HIV+ men do experience. I am sorry for that. Throughout history there has always been war and diseases. That is why some people say that our time here on earth is hell and when we die that is heaven. I don't want to believe that. I don't want to see the world that way. I still want to believe in the good. As I go about my "normal" Saturday I will be having breakfast with a friend of mine who is HIV+ and then later on helping another friend with some chores who is also HIV+. So yes, although I am HIV-, HIV affects my life on a daily basis. And that is just here in my own little world in Toronto. I can't begin to wrap my head around the "World" in World Aids Day when my world aids day requires all my energy.