Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Wandering
I have been wandering through life these last few months looking for a sign. Happiness is found in simple everyday things. I have decided to rejoin life. It's time.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
It's Time
"It's so hard admitting when it's quittin' time" sighs Mary Chapin Carpenter. "It's the end of a long good bye" sympathises Beverley Mahood. "It's not about blame" Holly Dunn whispers in my ear. All songs that say the same thing and remind me I am not the first person nor is it the first time I have reached the point where a relationship is ending. There is a significant amount of sadness. So I will feel sad. There is disappointment. So I am disappointed. I will not cover my true feelings. I will embrace them. Experience them. I will grieve. And then I will move on.
It has not worked out with the dogs. I adore them but I am not the right home for them. I now must begin the task of finding them a new home. I will miss them. Sometimes. I won't miss those early morning walks in the middle of winter. I will miss having Cookie curl up beside me when I watch tv. I won't miss Oreo's mild craziness. I will miss their excitement when I come home.
Perhaps the thing that affects me most is that this is just another ending I am facing at middle age. It seems that when you are younger it is all about new beginnings. Going off to university. Your first apartment. Your first job. Your first car. Your first relationship. Your first house. Your first, your first, your first. As you age it becomes about endings.
There really is nothing good about good-bye.
It has not worked out with the dogs. I adore them but I am not the right home for them. I now must begin the task of finding them a new home. I will miss them. Sometimes. I won't miss those early morning walks in the middle of winter. I will miss having Cookie curl up beside me when I watch tv. I won't miss Oreo's mild craziness. I will miss their excitement when I come home.
Perhaps the thing that affects me most is that this is just another ending I am facing at middle age. It seems that when you are younger it is all about new beginnings. Going off to university. Your first apartment. Your first job. Your first car. Your first relationship. Your first house. Your first, your first, your first. As you age it becomes about endings.
There really is nothing good about good-bye.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Happiness Trap
From the "Witch of Portobello"
What the boy was experiencing in front of the television - a gateway into a different reality - is the same state I am going to induce in Athena. Everthing is so smple and so complicated! It's simple because all it takes is a change of attitude: I'm not going to look for happiness anymore. From now on, I'm independent; I see life through my eyes and not through other people's. I'm going in search of the adventure of being alive.
And it's complicated: Why I am not looking for happiness when everyone has taught me that happiness is the only goal worth pursuing? Why am I going to risk taking a path that no one else is taking?
After all what is happiness?
Love, they tell me. But love doesn't bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, a battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves alll the time if we are doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.
All right then peace. Peace? If we look to Mother, she's nenver at peace. The winter does battle with the summer, the sun and the moon nenver meet, the tigar chases the man, who's afraid of the dog, who chases the cat, who chases the mouse, who frightens the man.
Money brings happiness. Fine. In that case, everyone who earns enough to have a high standard of living would be able to stop working. But then they're more troubled than ever, as if afraid of losing everything. Money attracts money, that's true. Poverty might bring unhappiness, but money won't neccessarily bring happiness.
I spent a lot of my life looking for happiness; now what I want is joy. Joy is like sex - it begins and ends. I want pleasure. I want to be contended, but happiness? I no longer fall into that trap.
What the boy was experiencing in front of the television - a gateway into a different reality - is the same state I am going to induce in Athena. Everthing is so smple and so complicated! It's simple because all it takes is a change of attitude: I'm not going to look for happiness anymore. From now on, I'm independent; I see life through my eyes and not through other people's. I'm going in search of the adventure of being alive.
And it's complicated: Why I am not looking for happiness when everyone has taught me that happiness is the only goal worth pursuing? Why am I going to risk taking a path that no one else is taking?
After all what is happiness?
Love, they tell me. But love doesn't bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, a battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves alll the time if we are doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.
All right then peace. Peace? If we look to Mother, she's nenver at peace. The winter does battle with the summer, the sun and the moon nenver meet, the tigar chases the man, who's afraid of the dog, who chases the cat, who chases the mouse, who frightens the man.
Money brings happiness. Fine. In that case, everyone who earns enough to have a high standard of living would be able to stop working. But then they're more troubled than ever, as if afraid of losing everything. Money attracts money, that's true. Poverty might bring unhappiness, but money won't neccessarily bring happiness.
I spent a lot of my life looking for happiness; now what I want is joy. Joy is like sex - it begins and ends. I want pleasure. I want to be contended, but happiness? I no longer fall into that trap.
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