Things.....

As you grow older you identify the things that you need to let go of and you do. You remember back on some pretty spectacular experiences and hold those memories so close to you. You have days when you feel all that you have are those memories. And you lose things that you want back. Desperately. There have been gaping holes left in your heart that no amount of living will ever fill. Each night you silently pray to a God that you don't understand. Tonight I quietly reflect on the things that I have lost and have left gaping holes in my heart. Holes I have tried to fill but they are bottomless.

My Grandmother, Forestine. I wish that everyone in the world has had someone like my Grandmother in their life.

Ben. My dog. I hope everyone has a pet at some point in their life that loved them like Ben loved me. And I him.

My innocence. I have learned about HIV. Genocide. War. Poverty. Rape. Guns. I know too much about the world.

My ability to Trust. That is a subject and list in itself.

My ability to love freely. That too is another subject and several lists.

The human spirit is remarkable. Tonight even with all those holes my heart feels whole.

Timbits, HIV and a Cigarette

This is a story about a timbit, HIV and a cigarette that proves that on some level we are all connected.

A couple weeks back there was a bit of an uproar that took place over Tim Horton's offering to provide some coffee and timbits at this "family day" in Rhode Island....or something along those lines. I only half paid attention to the whole thing. For the most part I would have missed the whole thing were it not for a friend, Fred, sending out a mass email sharing that the group behind the "family day" did not support gay marriages. He encouraged us all to write and stop supporting Tim Hurton's. I love Fred and his believes. Not being a Tim Hurton's customer my impact would have been zero. But go gays....whatever floats your boat.

This issue did not float my boat but it did stir up some deep rooted feelings that I have. As I write this someone is probably bare backing. HIV is on the rise. What the fuck? What are we doing? HIV is not a good thing but we seem to be closing a blind eye to it. In fact more energy goes into making living with HIV a great experience than preventing the spread of the disease. This is not complicated. Keep it simple. Always put a condom on. Always. Otherwise they are really winning. Sure "family day" went on without their timbits. Big woo. We certainly didn't change their believes. But how could we? We lack so much creditability. We have become a group of society that spreads a disease amongst ourselves. No timbits for us either.

And finally how does a cigarette fit into all this. Well I once had a friend, who is positive, tell me that he wouldn't date me because I smoke. Again. What the fuck? We have made HIV that much of our friend that being a smoker ranks below being positive. I have stopped smoking. You can't stop being positive. So again....put a condom on it, put a condom on it, put a condom on it. If not for yourself for the other person.

We seem to be making the wrong enemies and the wrong friends. Stop HIV. Put a condom on it. HIV is worse then timbits. HIV is worse then "family day". HIV is worse than smoking. It is time to stop kidding ourselves. We look foolish.

Grey.....Everywhere Grey. Grey. Grey.

When did everything become so grey. All the designers say it is the new hip colour. Out with beige. Grey is in. But it is all so grey. It never used to be grey. It was black or white. You were positive or negative. You had the virus that causes AIDS or you didn't. Now you are grey. I fail to understand why gay omline sites have so many options. "Needs Discussion". What does that mean? What is to discuss? Are you positive? If so don't we all pretty much know what that means? How long could that discussion last? Positive but really healthy. Counts are good. Be that as it may you are still positive. Perhaps the discussion is that you have never been tested and bareback all the time. Well that opens a door for a discussion alright. "When Appropriate". What does that mean? You are positive so bareback with other positive guys but will wear a condom if you are fucking a negative guy? Does it mean you only wear a condom when fucking at a black tie event? When did it even become appropriate to not wear a condom? Well it has. That is what I face everyday. Grey. Grey. Grey. I hate grey. It is nothing. Black and White. That is where the real drama is. Why have we decided to settle for grey? I thought at one time that we could do better.

Be Afraid of the Monster

Every little kid is afraid of the monster under the bed or the bogey man in the closet. We shake under the covers wanting to believe that our parents are right and nothing is there. Our little imaginations run wild. Where do these crazy thoughts even come from. Television in my case I guess. Perhaps boy scout camp fire stories. I guess it doesn't really matter. As an adult I know they are not true. But they are true. There are scary monsters and bogey men out there. They are in front of us every day however like the fable says they are wolves in sheep's clothing.

What makes them really scary is that we invite these monsters into our homes. We break bread with them. We prepare the guest room. Put out fresh towels. We constantly justify why they should continue to stay. We will even start fighting for them thinking that they are no longer monsters but our best friend. They aren't. They are just monsters.

The gig is up. I am on too them now. Perhaps that is the real gift of being in your forties. The ability to see the real monsters in your life and ask them to leave.

I gave notice today to one of my monsters. I have told it to pack it's bags and get out. I have never seem myself so calm as I quietly told the little monster not to even look back because I wouldn't be there this time. I am finally finished. I am the first to admit we had a lot of good times but the good times are really over. I have given it three days to pack and get out. Why three? Based on everything I have read it takes three days. So for the next three days every time the monster creeps into my thoughts, every time I hear it whisper you still want me, every time a familiar sent drifts through the air I will stand firm and say no....go. I have smoked my last cigarette.

Mother Nature and I

Yesterday was my birthday and Mother Nature reflected all parts of me. It was gorgeous and sunny. The rain pounded, lightning flashed, thunder boomed. Tornados touched down. It was a clear beautiful night with stars in the sky. My moods too can swing that much in one day.

Thought of the Day

Do some people need to act so big because they feel so small?

Sex

As my 44th birthday fast approaches I find myself most confused with the current sexual explosion and once again in life I find myself not fitting in. On good days I like to believe that I lead and eventually others will follow. On great days I like to believe that people will actually listen to me. On bad days....well...I just feel sad.

When did sex became such a game? People will gamble their marriages. People will gamble their lives. People will sell it. People will buy it. I myself am not having it. Yes I realize that I am a sexual creature. And yes I miss it. Sex and love have always gone hand and hand with me. There is nothing one can do about that. Yes you can try and change your paradigm of sex and love but for me it is part of the core of who I am. And that is something that I am not interested in changing.

This year alone I have dealt with a couple of friends testing positive. That is hard for me. What do you say? I want to say "what where you thinking?" but I bite my tongue and listen. I have dealt with a friend finding out about her husband's infidelity and the damage that has had on her. For a blow job one is willing to throw away a home, a wife, kids? And please do not say that there must have been other things wrong in the marriage. At this point in life you must have discovered that there are lots of things wrong....it is about how you manage them.

I miss the time when sex was something more innocent. And loving. A casual fuck just to get off....well....not saying I haven't been there but I just can't see myself ever there again. I want more for me.

A Bag of Pooh

This morning while on our walk we ran into an old acquaitance who also happens to be a former member of the Nylons. He still works in theater and I know last summer he spent at Stratford. He gave me a big hug and I was unable to hug him back given I was carrying two bags of pooh. I learnt three things this morning:
1) Nobody wants to be hugged by someone carry dog pooh
2) You can't swing a bag of dog pooh in this town without hitting a local celebrity
3) Everyone dies famous in a small town.

Happy Trails!!!!

The People We Meet

The best thing about dog walking in the city is the people we meet. Tonight we met a young girl in a wheel chair. She wanted to pet the dogs so we stopped. She asked lots of questions including how often we walk as she too is thinking about getting a dog. She loved the size of Miss Cookie and Mr. O. She repeatedly thanked us for stopping. We felt like we had touched someones soul.

Then we happened across an international porn star and his boyfriend, a local radio personality/celebrity. The international porn star spoke to us. When not so much as spoke to us but spoke. And not so much as to us but to his dog. But still it was an international pron star. There was a time in my life I would have been angry about not being spoken too. But I am a little older. A little wiser. So I walked on thinking that if I was an international porn star I wouldn't speak to me either.

To wrap up this excursion we came across a woman transplanted from America. With a fiery passion in her eyes she preceded to share with us everything from her recent experience with a Johnny-On-The-Spot at a local golf course to the current city strike and her garbage issues. With confidence in her voice and a few choice swear words she shared with me exactly how she would handle the situation. With the conclusion of her story I said she should run for mayor as she would have my vote.

Another day on the streets of Toronto.

Happy Pride

Today on the streets we witnessed two lesbians having a bit of a spat in front of their children. The children stood there with a look of fear and terror in their eyes. The voices escalated, the hostility grow, the children became more fearful. We moved on and wondered who ever thought lesbians raising kids together was a good idea. Happy Pride.

I Was Broken

Hi Grandma....well I am back. Yeah me. I sit here staring at a blank screen. I am not sure I have anything left to say about me anymore. In fact it is safe to say I have never been more tired of me. I love me. What is wrong with the world? I mean really if you were still here to see what was going on you would shake your head. What do you mean you're still here. Hog wash. If I admitted to anyone that I hear your voice they would think that I was crazy so we must keep it our little secret. So from now on I am only going to communicate to you through my blog. OK. Agreed. Fantastic. Funny I have nothing to say. If you really came back from heaven and were sitting across from me I would say nothing. I would want to just sit with you. Enjoy the physical, emotional, spiritual connection that I know as love in your presence. You are probably wondering why I am reaching out for you now. Now when I have been never stronger or more sure of myself. I have finally realized that through all those dark days, especially these last few years, when I have felt broken, you were holding me up. Well I don't need you to hold me up. I need you to help me help the world. So together some how we will figure it out. We only need to touch one person at a time. Today is the first step. My dear, sweet, wonderful friend Marco asked me on Friday when I was going to write again. So I am writing again. I just didn't want to write when I was broken. The story of my life will not be about pain. It will be about beauty. It will be about joy. It will be about love. I want to light up a room the way you always did. You kept your pain to yourself and gave your heart to the world. Thank you for that. Thank you for the role you played in me becoming me. It has been hard for me.....but tonight I just wanted to say that I love because you are you. So we have some challenges ahead of us. Talk to you soon......love from your little Jimmy.