Grandma

The christmas holidays have come to a close and they have been magical for me. I was lucky to have lots of time off to enjoy the holidays with friends, new and old, as well as some personal time. Tonight I took some time too myself and thought about my Grandmother, Forestine. I guess that is what memories are for. To surround us with love. People really don't leave....ever. They live on in your heart and in your mind. It is a wonderful thing to truly know in your life that you were unconditionally loved by someone and loved them back unconditionally. I keep saying this is the year I let it all go, but I am surprised what I am taking back. I am reclaiming that unconditional love....it is still there....it is me.

I am realizing tonight how much my Grandmother really knew me. How I think? What my values are? She was grateful for everything she had, as little as it was, as she had worked hard for it. She would walk into a room and the room would light up as a result of her presence. She would be wearing plastic jewllery from the Five and Dime, but she was so proud that she walked like royalty.

It seems today we are never proud of what we have. We always need better or more. Faster and shinier. The latest and the greatest. I don't see many people walking around proud of what they have. As I continue to downsize I become happier and happier. It is nice to sit and be proud of what you have instead of always reaching for something more. However, I am not quite prepared to give up my clothing addiction....aferall Grandma, I'm gay.

Smoking

OK...I am glad to find out people are reading my blog. I have had a few people comment to me that I have not been updating it. Well, there is the new job, the guy I was dating, the holiday season and I have finally started writing my book I keep talking about. And I am smoking again. There it is out there. I am tired of lying about, hiding it, and dismissing it with an "only when I am drinking". I do hate it. I just came to realize tonight the only way I will be happy is to actually quite. Since I beat myself up everytime I have one. It's not like I am sitting there sucking on this thing thinking "love it". I used too. I guess that is what I remember is that I used to like. I guess it was fun in the summer when I was partying more. Or was it? It really is a nasty habit. It does sink...I have been in people's home recently that smoke all the time and it is disgusting. The taste in your mouth....yuck...yellow teeth and fingers....yuck.....I keep running over and over in my head...I'm going to quite.....I'm going to quite...I know I will cut down....and I don't.

So what I need is a plan....write it out and follow it and stick to it. I think I want to do a reduction strategy to start. I just don't think I can do it. I believe that I can quite, but I need a plan that will work for me. Right now I believe the reduction strategy will work. So starting tomorrow I can only have 3 cigarettes a day.

Wish me luck...I will keep you posted.