Flowers

Just a huge, beyond comprehension thank you, to David, Wes and Gary for the beautiful flowers. Nothing can bring a smile to my face then getting a message from the concierge that flowers have been delivered for me. Absolutely beautiful. Despite the dental surgery, I must ask, could my life be any better?

Myanus/youranus

With my recovery time and my laptop I have been doing a lot of work on my astrological charts. I have taken quite an interest and even involved a great guy I know. This kind of detail is quite specific, longitude and latitude of the location of your birth, the exact time of your birth, thus determining how the planets were aligned at the exact moment you burst into the world.

This is what I found out about me. When my Uranus is in opposition with my Uranus. If anyone has ever wondered what has been going on in my head in the last several months, this piece from my overall charts says it all. This is word for word and I could not have said it any better.

And I quote:
"Uranus opposition Uranus: Last chance"

"Mid April 2006 until mid December 2007: This influence at the age of forty or forty-one marks a period of major transition in your life. This is the crisis of middle age when you have to come to terms with a number of realizations that may not all be pleasant. For example, even though you are not very old, you are no longer young. Have you accomplished or begun to accomplish what you wanted when you were younger? If you have, was it an appropriate accomplishment for you? Are you happy with your close relationships, your marriage, your work?

Many people encountering this influence discover that the answer to several of these questions is no. If this is your situation, you may become seized with a feeling of urgency that you have only a short time to correct the problem. Consequently you may begin to act rather disruptively and quickly. You may leave a marriage or an old job and take up a lifestyle quite different from your earlier one. Your friends are likely to be rather shocked at the change. You may spend more time with younger people, for their youth is a symbol of the opportunities you feel you have almost wasted. This seems to be your last chance to take advantage of those opportunities.
It is also quite possible that you make none of these drastic changes. If you have taken advantage of opportunities right along and have not allowed your life to become prematurely old and rigid, this time will not be so upsetting or disturbing. You will experience the real meaning of this influence - a climax of the direction your life has taken since childhood and a shifting of direction toward the issues you must confront in old age.

If you have been successful in your dealings with the outside world, you will continue to be, but now it will have to mean something in terms of your own life and perception. You will not be able to live for some external purpose, the purpose must come from within. If you don't reorient yourself, your life will become hollow and meaningless, regardless of what you accomplish from here on."

Now we all know.

Checking In From Work

It is a sad day today. Due to office reorganization my team is being moved to a different part of the building. The end result to me is that I lose my corner office with a view of the lake. I now get to look up Yonge Street. I am not exactly happy. I won't work much today. They have broken me.

Being judgmental

I had asked my sister what her New Year's goals were. She had two, the first to be a kinder person, and two to wear more jewelry. She said you should always have a fun one. I fuckin' love my sister. She is so cool. But being a kinder person. Wow, that is something I have been working so hard on for the last year.

And it is a lot harder than you think. I try to be kind and grateful everything I deal with someone and not pass judgment, but it is hard. I try to remind myself that I don't know their story, what got them to the place they are at today.

When we were young did we even dream about what our lives would be like. I guess I did but it was pretty vague. I had a sheltered childhood so I wasn't exactly exposed to the world. What a learning experience it has been.

I do find we live in a very unkind world. I am not taking about weapons of mass destruction. I am talking about the big city and the small rural towns. I am talking about our tongues and judgments. The nasty gossip in small town Ontario is unbelievable and everyone thinks they know exactly what is going on in someone's life and are quick to share an opinion. I hated it growing up. Kids teasing me about things that were going on with my mother. It was awful. Kids teasing me about being gay. Fuck, honey, I was trying to figure it all out. I didn't exactly know what was going. I have no idea how they were so sure. If you don't mind I prefer to figure myself out. Don't think I need your help, but thanks. It gets real hard to feel good about yourself.

That is probably why I wanted to move to Toronto so bad was to get away from it all in the city. Well the city can be just as unkind. And somedays I am no better. But I will keep trying. I know I am getting better. I chose my words when encountering someone carefully these days. When I say something I really try to mean it. And I appreciate the people that have given me feedback. People really do appreciate kindness. If you want to leave an incredible footprint on someone's soul, anyone's soul, just be kind to them. You will find they never forgot you. Overtime you forget the people who were unkind you. It isn't worth the energy. Those kids from high school that picked on me, I couldn't describe one of them. Not a single detail. But ask me about the people who were kind to me. I remember every detail. There are memories that I can bring up that are just like watching a movie.

You want to be unforgettable in life. Be kind. And there are so many other benefits that will result.

Dental Surgery - My Story

First of all, one of my New Year's goals was to blog more. It is a great way for me to work on my writing and story telling skills, and a simple way for people to check in on me. Might as well embrace all the technology has to offer.

If you say "first of all", you must have a second point, which currently escapes me. I am simply going to blame that on the pain killers that were prescribed to me.

So I recently had dental surgery, people kept asking me "what I was having done."

"Dental surgery"

"No what specifically are you having done."

I couldn't answer them.

Oh sure, they told me at the periodontal office. And they showed me, with my x-rays, with a mold of someone's teeth that kind of freaked me out, so I didn't really look. They had colored graphs and pages of literature. They pulled out all the stops to make sure I had a clear picture of what would be going on. Right I thought, you have how many years of schooling, you have been a periodontist for years, and after 15 minutes I am expected to be up to speed. Not going to happen. Life gets so much easier when you simply accept that fact and leave everything up to the experts and a little luck.

So off I went at the crack of dawn last Friday for my appointment. I am so not a morning person but I was so excited about the "happy" pills, and that is what they called them, that leaving for the office in the pitch dark didn't phase me. It is kind of like when you are going on vacation and have an early flight. You never seen to mind getting up at 3:00 in the morning. For some reason I thought the pills might be like taking e. So for three hours I would be in the dentist chair all floaty having the most amazing high. I even told this dyke I ran into in the elevator how forward I was looking to getting high.

Didn't happen. The pills just knocked me out. And that was amazing. I have no idea what they did to me. They might have been coping a feel. Sometimes I wonder why all my thoughts are sexual. As are yours. You always hope the cable/phone/hydro/water/gas guy will be hot. Really hot. And want you open the door...."Meter's that way", you sigh.

My surgeon is unbelievable. He even phoned me at home on Sunday night to check in to so see how I was doing. And then today. I am sitting at my desk and the receptionist calls to say that a package had arrived for me from my dentist's office. I thought that was odd, but maybe they are sending me more pain killers, or my, well, I couldn't really think of what they would be sending me. So I went out to the receptionist to get my package and it was a "get well" gift. This cute little mug with herbal teas. A card with a hand written message from my surgeon. Not typed. No rubber stamp. No pre-printed statement. I think my friends should take note. Or perhaps the surgeon has a little crush on me. Why does that always happen?

hmmm

I have been housebound for the last few days after having dental surgery. And it has been lovely. There is nothing like the feeling of having permission to do nothing in our current society that is all based on what you accomplish in a day. More is better is the message that we constantly hear. Knowing in advance that I was going to have all this time to do nothing was a little unsettling. I mean what would I actually do. A friend had told me about "Dead Like Me", a television series that was only on for two seasons, so I went out and bought both seasons, curled up on the couch with lots of pillows and my ensure. Note: want to lose that holiday weight that you put on...have dental surgery.

What a gentle series about death. It really is the one big mystery that we know nothing about. When I was young and my parents tried to explain death to me, and my parents weren't very good about explaining anything, I thought of heaven as the same thing as earth. Except no one dies. So my dogs went to heaven when they died and were running around happy. For a little while I even wanted to die. After all heaven sounded pretty good. Grandma was now with Grandpa and they were waiting for me to come some day. I really couldn't understand the point of waiting. I wanted to go then. I was a rather dark, introverted child. I am still curious as to what will happen, but I can now wait. The series does not provide any answers, I like that the most. Please don't spoil my surprise. However it does make death look so gentle. The "reapers" take your soul just before you die, so you don't have to bear any of the unpleasantness. I like that. It is actually a great little series. I highly recommend it.

2007...bring it on

I am one of those people that has decided to be open to everything in life. I now believe anything is possible and one of those things is astrology. I am not saying that I will base my entire life on my horoscope, but I am open to it.

So I checked out what the stars have in store for me in 2007, and this is what it will look like:

1) Serious? Yep, lately, anyway. So first, resolve to enjoy life again (ok that's true and that was my plan before I read it...cool)
2) Aim for romance, romance and more romance, from June through September. (that wasn't in my thoughts, but I must admit sounds fun)
3) Choose one of those playmates and have a real live relationship by November. (shit, I have to choose one, what about enjoying life? Ok I have avoided a serious relationship for some time, so maybe it is time)
4) Turn your most-loved hobby into a part-time income, at least. (that makes sense, I want to write a book and I love writing)
5) Make it the way you earn your daily bread by the time you hang the mistletoe (oh dear, I have actually given myself two years to write my book, that is pressure I don't need, oh well)

And the best:

"The passion you feel toward your family this year will lead to a powerful relationship you may have never known. Examine your connection to your past and assess how it affects your present-day reality. Since you experience much of your emotion through creative endeavors, it would serve you well to teach, write or share some of the profound insights you've gained through this time of personal transformation."

How dead on is that....that is exactly what my book is going to be about, my personal insights to the last year of my life.

All in all it is going to be an amazing year.

The Year in Review

I look back on 2006 with excitment, horror, love, a shiver and a sigh. It was a good year, it was a tough year and I learned a lot.

My 10 favourite things from 2006:

1) My friends. For continuing to be there for those tough parts as well as the fun and exciting parts.

2) Paris...if you have been there you know why, if you haven't go.

3) "The Village"...it is wonderful to live in the largest city in Canada and yet at the same time live in a neighbor where you run into friends and acquaintances as you run your errands.

4) The boys I dated this year. Thank you all for bringing something into my life.

5) My boss....who really is quite cool and let's me try anything and continually gives me opportunities to grow.

6) "Jo Ghosts" shoes....I love them, nothing more need be said

7) Rosanne Cash...I love her music, I find a lot of strength in her songs and I love the fact that she goes deep and feels.

8) My home...being a leo our home is important to us. I love my little corner of the world.

9)Casey House....I couldn't do it anymore but I am so glad it exists.

10) and finally me for embracing all of the above in 2006.


10 Things I cared less for in 2006.

1) The filming of Saddum's hanging. I never knew the man and he never did anything to me...I do not need to see him die. I haven't watched it or the news in three days. I don't need to know that much about life.

2) Celebrities...would someone step up and say their antics aren't that interesting...have you met some of my friends?? Far more interesting people.

3) Big Cars.....we know the problem there...take public transit.

4) Idiots leading countries...god give us strength.

5) People who are superficial....a little is ok, but come on, you are fascinating complex people, go deep, you may be pleasantly surprised at what you find.

6) People's expectations of others. Again, come on, it is hard enough to live up to the expectations I have for myself, let alone your expectations of me/for me.

7) Airport security....is it necessary to strip search Grandma or is this being done so no one can say you aren't "targeting" certain individuals.

8)People who do not appreciate everything that we have. We are so blessed in this country.

9) Broken Hearts....I get we are all going to get our hearts broken sometime, that is the only way we know we were truly in love, but they still make me sad when I see them.

10) Another year has gone by and the world is still in a state of chaos....I guess there are some things you can always count on.

Cheers and I look forward to another interesting year.