Questions??

Are Britney and I cosmically connected?
Have I been that fucked?
Am I that interesting?

It was the second week of September, 2006. A week before I went to Paris. I had been dating Clayton for about six weeks. I had been partying a lot. Not as much as I had in the past, but a lot more than I had in a while.

Tuesday
I went to get my haircut and wanted something a little different for Europe. I left with a mohawk. I liked it. Yes it was out there, but all in all, it was just a haircut.

Wednesday
Everyone weighed in with an opinion. Every single person I ran into. At work. At the gym. Friends and acquaintenances on the street. All of their opinions unwanted and unsolicited. Clayton hated it. My boss who hardly ever stops in my office came by to tell me that although our office was casual it was still conservative. I guess he was concerned that my current hairstyle would negatively impact my work. A board meeting was taking place that day and a trustee came into my office (which NEVER happens) to talk about her new haircut and while she would like to try something radical it wouldn't be appropriate given she was a board member. I think she was trying to tell me something but I just didn't have the energy to give a fuck.

Thursday
Clayton dumped me by voice mail. I guess it is better than a post-it.

Friday
Went to fly. Clayton was there and said he didn't want to lose me. Ended up going back to his place. At five in the morning we were still up and still high. Clayton asked if he could shave my head because he hated the mohawk so much. I let him.

Saturday
I left Clayton's saturday morning with my shaved head, completely sketchy, and more lost than I had ever been in my life, wondering if I needed to check myself into rehab.

I look back on that week today and it doesn't look that different than the week Britney has had. So perhaps the answer is yes, we are cosmically connected. And yes, there has been times in my life that I have been that fucked. And although I don't think it is very interesting the rest of the world does. So maybe I am not that fucked after all. It is just that everyone else is.

More Memories Than A Heart Can Hold

I am just about finished organizing my photos. Two boxes worth. What a trip. I am surrounded by more memories than a heart can hold. I laughed. I cried. I was constantly surprised by my own life. The choices that I have made. Wow, we really are funny creatures. And when you look back on life it really is funny after all.

I love boxes of photos. There is something so comforting about them. Sorting through them, recreating old memories. I don't get that from a computer. My digital camera is still in it's box, but I do want to figure it out, then try and figure it how to post photos to my blog.

I loved my evening.

The Surprise of Life

I was going to write something completely different tonight. As a matter of fact I had actually written it in my head on the way to the gym.

I am getting things together. All those small projects that just seem to kick around and you never get to them.

So tonight I am organizing my pictures. Yes, that's right I am not digital yet. I did buy a digital camera last week. It's still in the box. Another project.

So I was putting together the photos from my trip to Ireland with my parents in the summer of 2005. I like to think of that period as the beginning of my unravelling. The trip was amazing. I had such a fantastic time. Sure there were moments of work, but overall it was one of my best vacations ever. Ireland is absolutely stunning. The people we met were outstanding. All the factors just worked. I love when that happens in life.

I would never have predicted the eventual fall out I would have with my family. I would never have predicted watching myself completely fall apart. I would never have predicted that I would continue to work on my family relationships again. But that all happened.

Looking at the pictures reminded me of two amazing weeks I had with my parents. As an adult. Most people will never have the experience of travelling through Ireland with their parents when they were 40. I am so grateful to have had that experience.

I finally get that I don't accept my parents as they are. I get that they don't accept who I am. But somehow we all keep trying. I plan to be gentler this time. Go a little slower.

ATasteAbove

I have finally decided to rejoin the land of living. It was hard. Work has been amazing but demanding. I have cherished my evenings at home alone. The dental surgery was a gift. The frigid cold weather was a gift. I used them as wonderful excuses to hide and regroup.

Physically.

Mentally.

Emotionally.

Spiritually.

What a year.

Went to the gym on Sunday and Monday. Went to yoga at lunch today. I am going to curl in the bonspiel in March. It's nice to be back. I have missed my life. But I now know to also make sure I give myself that down time. Tonight was the night. Two days in a row at the gym and yoga today. Pretty damn good.

So I booked a massage at the King Eddy. It was wonderful. Sometimes I am so surprised at how far I have come in life. From that little lost boy to me. What an interesting journey. I feel so grateful.

On the way back I stopped at this new take out place that recently opened. It has this "highend" look to it and after all it was treat night so I thought I would splurge. The place is called "ATasteAbove" and is located at Richmond and Church. They have a very upscale look, quite sleek and modern. The irony is that the place is owned by two older women that remind you a bit of someones really hip and cool Grandmother. They reminded me of my Grandmother. Hip and cool. It is "highend". My gnocchi and stew (they had a much fancier name) came to almost $25.00. But it is treat night. And I fell in love with them. I'll be back on my next treat night.

NorasPicks

I went to a great art opening tonight which runs from February 15 - 28. It is well worth a visit during these cold Febuary days. "Art is like a love affair. Once you have it in your life you are unwilling to do without". Go visit. It is worth it. www.norapicks.com for more information.

NorasPicks

I went to a great art opening tonight which runs from February 15 - 28. It is well worth a visit during these cold Febuary days. "Art is like a love affair. Once you have it in your life you are unwilling to do without". Go visit. It is worth it. www.norapicks.com for more information.

Condo Shopping

I am still busy condo shopping. Last night I was out with my agent and we figured out I have been looking for 7 months. And nothing. It has to be renovated. It is too small. It has no outdoor space. There's no outhouse. I have a reason for everything that I have seen to not buy it.

I think the biggest challenge that I face when condo shopping is that I am happy. I sit here on my couch. A fire going at my feet. A gorgeous skyline that is currently being blanketed in snow outside my loft window. A glass of red wine. Jann Arden playing. Working on my book. Work is amazing right now. Have some really cool friends. I just can't see a reason to make a change right now. Sometimes you just have to sit back and enjoy exactly where you are at. I think I need to continue enjoying being exactly where I am at. I think I need to stop condo shopping for a while.

But I must say that I have the most amazing real estate agent ever. First all of he had no idea how long I have been looking. It's cool he doesn't measure the experience that way. You don't meet many agents like that. He has been unbelievably patient. He allowed me to express my concerns about each place and agreed, after all it is my decision. But he also isn't quiet either. He had the gift of knowing when to give input on a place to see it in a slightly different way. Basically he is so real and honest. If you ever need a real estate agent his name is Roy Runions. Run, don't walk.

Steroids

Every year when I was in my thirties I would give some thought to doing steroids. Just one cycle so I would be "pumped" for Pride. I have always been lean. People say I am sexy, but sexy to me was those "muscle marys". When I would be out I would feel second class physically next to them. I would watch them bulk up during the spring, looking fabulous, well I continued to work out hard with little gain. I have accepted that I will always be lean. But I always dreamed of being one of them.

After giving it serious consideration I always came to the same conclusion, which was to not do steroids. At the core of my belief system was who I am as person, not what I looked like. I want to spend time with someone or someones that want to spend time with me. For who I am. Who appreciate my values, find me interesting, think I am witty, admire my honesty and integrity. It was always the right choice. After all packaging is just that, packaging. But we are a society that is attracted to the packaging. We love that shiny, pretty paper. How many millions our spent on cosmetic surgery a year? Enough to feed small nations.

My errands today had me running into a former "hot throb". I used to have such a big crush on him. He was beautiful. He has been living in California for the last four years and just moved back. I couldn't help but look at him and think long term steroid use has not been kind to him. And it isn't just him. It is just that I hadn't seen him in four years so the change was extremely noticeable. We don't see those small changes on people we see everyday, but it is there. Over a decade of doing cycles has ended up ravaging the body. Too much steroid use moves the body from being sexy to being tired looking, used, even just older.

My earlier life choices for not using steroids was to preserve my personal integrity. Years later I now realize it also preserved my "looks". Life really is funny.

Anna Nicole Smith

I am saddened by her death. My reaction surprised me. I turned on my computer and MSN came up and that was the lead story. My first reaction I had was complete sadness. The unpredictability of life is the next moment for each of us and we have no idea what it is going to look like. I am saddened for her child that will grow up never knowing what her mother was really like. They will probably only know the media image that will be projected of her. A troubled life, full of struggle, full of highs and lows. I am aware often that troubled souls seem to burn through this life much more quickly than others. I am left wondering again about the whole concept that we are nothing more than energy sources currently in a life form. For the most part we only have so much energy to expend in this life form and the faster you burn it up the sooner you will combust and your energy form will change.

Perhaps it is nothing more than another message or life lesson to choose carefully how I expand my energy during this life form.

Perhaps it is simple too much red wine.

Either way I don't think she will rest in peace. That energy is still out there and I bet it is still chaos.

Everyone and Everything I Know Will Change

"I surrender my youth a little more everyday. Everyone and everything I know will change, and I have to change too." Jann Arden

I am totally loving all this alone time. I have had time to reflect on the journey that has gotten me this far. It has been a good journey. I have learned a lot. If my book turns out so fabulous that I actually get a book deal (goal: write book, dream: get it fuckin' published) and of course I would have to do a thank you page. I would simply thank everyone. Every single experience you have shapes who you are. So we are all constantly changing with each passing moment. We are each learning something new about ourselves everyday, slowly shifting. And then we have those occasional big moments in life that shake us to our core.

I have really only truly loved one man. My heart actually broke so bad I thought it would never heal. I can still remember the exact moment it broke. I guess you never forget that. It has taken a long while for my love for him to change, but it has. Everyone and everything I know will change. And it does. And it is good.

Life or Lifestyle

I wonder how many people live a life or a lifestyle? I know that for me I realized that I have been trying to live a lifestyle as opposed to a life. But I don't feel alone. When I look around I see so many people living a lifestyle. How can we not? Independent thinking is not supported. Religion, government, society as a whole, supports, even demands, that we live a lifestyle. Especially in North America. I see it everyday at work with women. They are trying to have a career, families, large homes in suburbia, bringing in the GO Train everyday to their job to support this lifestyle they have been told they should have. They don't seem really happy. Have they really stopped and thought about what they really want from their life? I think probably not as they are too busy living their lifestyle.

Have you ever really stopped and looked at all the magazines that are currently published. We have magazines that tell us how we should dress, what are homes should look like, what kind of cars we should drive, what are bodies should look like. There are hundreds of self-help books that tell us how we should think, act or behave. And the scariest thing is society as a whole. We have an acceptable norm that we believe people should fit into. And if you don't you are shunned. I certainly felt that growing up gay. It certainly wasn't a life choice that was supported. I was never accepted into any one's inner circle. Gay people used to face the first real challenge of choosing a life over a lifestyle. It was invigorating. It was scary. It was the unknown. All that has changed over the last couple of decades. Now being gay is becoming an accepted lifestyle. For everything gained there is something lost. The ability to choose a life is slipping away in favour of a lifestyle.

But it is small shift. There is still so many lifestyles in the gay community as well. The circuit boy, the leather man, the bear. We now even have a separation by HIV status. We had a first chance to choose a life and then quickly chose a lifestyle within the gay community. We all want to belong, to be accepted. So it is easier to choose the lifestyle. I get people that say they are not into the "scene". These are the people that are choosing a life.

There is a great scene in the final season of "Sex and the City" when Miranda and Carrie have a fight over Carrie choosing to go to Paris. Carrie is making a statement that she is choosing her life over her lifestyle. It is brilliant. Miranda doesn't understand why Carries has to move away and give up her life. Carrie states that she cannot stay in New York and be single for Miranda. That she is finally choosing a life over a lifestyle. Miranda doesn't get it. Most people don't when they witness someone choosing a life over a lifestyle. It is sad that it is such a foreign concept.

It is also exists on such a bigger scale that has long term detrimental affects on the world. Right now Bush has chosen a lifestyle and trying to maintain that lifestyle over a life, many lifes.

As there is more and more chaos in the world I also see another shift. I have a sense of these buried lives trying to come out and express themselves. Or maybe the change is just in me. Either way it is a welcomed change.

Jann Arden

I ordered my Jann Arden tickets today...being a JannFann I got my tickets today even though they go on sale on Monday. I got great seats. Her new CD comes out on Tuesday. I can't wait.

Ruth

I had dinner with my friend Ryan last week and during dinner he asked me which character on "Six Feet Under" that I thought I most resembled. After careful consideration I decided that I was most like Ruth, the mother. Ryan was quite surprised by that.

In my opinion Ruth was very pragmatic and she had a ton of emotions locked inside, almost too afraid to show them, as the world doesn't operate on feelings.

I have wanted to rewatch Six Feet Under for some time now so this conversation prompted me to pull out season 1 and start watching it again the next day. Of course being a little curious about my choice myself I have been paying particular attention to Ruth. When Ruth really expresses herself her emotions are so raw and honest. I have only watched the first few episodes but she has made me laugh and made me cry.

As the mother she possesses the life experiences her kids haven't. She is always confused that they don't see it her way. She is strong and determined and is able to make her own way, her way, and make her own choices. She is so fun to watch.