First Quarter Evaluation

I have been busy at work doing my first quarter reviews and it is also time to do my first quarter personal review. So I have reviewed how I am doing so far on my goals for 2007.

1. Go To New York During Christmas Season
That one is still a go. Although I have gotten a little off track in regards to my savings plan. I was putting $20 away a week so that by the time I went to NYC I would have $1,000 to just blow as foolishly as I wanted. I was putting the money in an envelope here at home but have already spent it. It was easier than going to a bank machine. Grade: B+

2. Travel To Europe
My plans were to go to Europe again this fall. Buying the condo has shifted my priorities a little. I really wasn't planning on buying one and now that is where I want to me. Grade: Fail, Personal Feeling: Success

3. Learn To Play the Guitar
I think I am going to give up on that one. I hadn't planned to do the Bike Rally and now that is where my focus is. Grade: Fail, Personal Feeling: B

4. Improve General Well Being
I am doing a three week cleanse. I am not especially enjoying the experience. I am not hating it either. I feel neutral. I haven't noticed a big change. I have been going back to yoga, not consistently, but I have been going back. I have returned to the gym, not consistently, but enough. Grade: B-

5. Bring Spending Under Control
I have been doing that for the most part. I have been putting money directly into a savings account with each pay. I don't buy anything on impulse (ok once this quarter). I leave the item, go home and think about it. If I really want it after three or four days then it's mine. Buying the condo will help. Grade: B+

6. Regularly Update My Blog
I have been doing that well. Grade: A+

7. Complete 100 Pages of My Book
I have gotten organized. I have done some writing. I have written a lot in my head. I am still trying to determine exactly what I want the book to say. It's not writers block it is fucking writers overload. I want the book to be a reflection of me. The problem is that I have changed so much because of all the experiences I want to write about. I don't know if I want the book to be from the perspective of who I was or of who I now am. It is a dilemma. I think when I get more settled in my new place and in the fall I will have time to focus. Grade: Unable to Determine.


All in all I have already changed again since I wrote my goals 3 months ago.

So Much Going On

Sometimes I don't write in my blog, not because I don't have anything to blog about, it is just that there is so much going on, I can't pick.

Condo thing going pretty good, well have been a couple of really dumb mix up's, both my fault that has caused a little annoyance in my life, but just trying to roll with the universe and deal. (My sentence structure really sucks for those of you who notice, I know).

Work thing is out of control, but I also have a handle on it.

Bike Ride has stalled. No donations in a while. I have decided that for Christmas this year instead of giving my nieces and nephews money (they have everything) I will use that money to sponsor me in their name. I hope they truly get the value of what I am giving them. But not my responsibility.

Gym..off and on...need to get back more on.

Personal life....still out of this world. I am having so much fun. Thanks to all who are participating. I love you all on so many different levels.

Hope everyone else is having a great life!!

Changing Again

Another chapter in my life is coming to a close. I moved into the Sears Merchandise building after I sold my house because I needed a safe place to fall apart and rebuild. I keep saying that the last couple of years of my life has been chaos. Most people who know me keep saying how much I have changed but don't quite understand that my life was chaos. From the outside looking in it appeared that I had it all going on. But believe me from the inside looking out it was a mess.

I took the time I needed. I deconstructed. I brought chaos into other people's lifes. Other people brought their chaos into my life. I have learned so much about myself and who I am. I am at the point that I love the experience. Even more now that it is done.

So I have finally found a new place to live. It only took eight months and me changing my mind one thousand six hundred and forty-eight times. My real estate agent, Roy Runions (yes this is a plug for him, again, I can't stress enough people if you need an agent, call Roy), has been so patient with me. I am going to love living in my new place. It really is me. My decision making in life is all based on my emotions. So I needed to find a place that felt like home when I walked in the door. And I found it. Life does always give me what I need.

The selling agent said to me when he brought back their counter offer that it was my lucky day. I just smiled and said everyday of my life is lucky. Not perfect, ever, which would be dull anyway, but always lucky. I know there is a greater force operating. I don't know what it looks like or what is going on, but I don't need to know. I just need to follow it and know that everything will be ok.

Who Am I?

Someone just recently asked me to tell them about myself, so....

I believe totally in honesty, except when I have to lie.
I can be frugal, even cheap, except when it comes to clothes and shoes.
I am overly sensitive and can fall apart at the drop of a word, but am extremely strong and good in a crisis.
I love my job but am not married to my work.
I love a night on the town as much as I love a night staying at home.
I am kind and generous until I am wronged.
I enjoy cooking for people, but don't enjoy cooking in general.
I am deep and sometimes think I think so much about life I am not living it.
I have always been able to find whatever is missing in my life.
I believe in spirituality but not organized religion.
I hate politics, but understand we need governments to prevent chaos.
I believe in giving back to society as much as I take.
I believe in family, but not necessary family of origin.
I believe the best things in life are the small everyday things.
I believe people should travel by bike as much as possible and help safe the environment.
I believe in jets and jet fuel because I love to travel.
I believe in meditation and yoga.
I believe in recreational drugs.
I believe that the first cup of coffee in the morning is the most important thing in the world.
I don't believe in drinking coffee after my morning cup, it too is a drug.
I like tender love making as much as I like being a pig in bed.
I go to the gym to stay fit, but don't believe in using steroids.
I still believe in love and cry at happy endings.
I don't believe in death.
I have an enormous capacity to forgive, but may not want you in my life again.
I believe in solitude and self examination.
I love having fun and will say yes to just about anything.
I have a tendency to lead, but love to follow.
I like to read and listen to music alone.
I like people, we are fascinating.
I grew up in the country but love living in the city.
I hate cottages.
I love to flirt but am loyal.
I like being single, but am open to a relationship.
I love being surprised by life, but hate planned surprises.
I like a certain level of security and am willing to take risks after that.
I like testing myself and pushing my limits.
I love my friends but prefer to just have a few so I can spend quality time with them.
I love all the seasons but just the beginnings. I hate the end of each season, they all last too long.
I love getting dressed up but am happiest in yoga pants and a t-shirt.
I like people that are odd, they are usually themselves.
I love change as I get bored easily.
I love reading but my tastes in books is always changing.
I miss my grandmother more than words could possibly say.
And finally, I love being a bit of a mystery.

A Bucket of Fun

I am having a total me day today. It was just one of those weeks when the universe decided to bring my entire past, present and possibly my future up for review. I never saw it coming. It is fun to watch the universe in motion. It is quite a ride. Anyone who doesn't believe that there is a master plan isn't paying attention. Perhaps it is because I am exploring my spiritual side and feel very connected with the universe right now I am lucky enough to get to see it all. And it is all there. It would be impossible to explain it and all the inter-connectedness that has taken place this week. It just has. And if you were part of it for my experience I thank you for being there. It has been bizarre and just when I think the week can't get any weirder it does.

My friend Ryan is coming over for dinner and we are going to a couple of birthday parties. Given how odd this week has been I bet this evening will also be bizarre. Yeah, what a bucket of fun.

Change

I wanted to write an entry tonight as it has been longer than I wanted it to be since I last had an entry. I was going to write about change and moving forward and not spending much time on looking back.

The universe was not on side. The past came back three fold today. I was not expecting it. My focus is once again completely shifting. I was not expecting that. The week was leading up to it. All the signs were there. I saw all of them. Loud and clear and in flashing neon. I felt the energy shifting and didn't know what it meant. Life continues to surprise me.

Soul Mate

I read this interesting interpretation of a soul mate in Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. This is the exert from the book (provided without written permission)

"I'm not laughing." I was actually crying. "And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you can't let this one go. It's over, Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did it great, but now it's over. Problem is you can't accept that this relationship had a short life. So love him. So miss him. Send him love and light every time you think about him, then drop it."

It makes me smile to think of that interpretation. And to thank all my soul mates I have met so far in my life.

I AM SO HORNY

One of the great things about having been gay and single most of my life is that I get to have just the right amount of sex. People often discuss what is the right amount of sex. It is different for everyone. I get to have sex whenever I have the need to. It's great. And the times when I was dating someone sex was great then too. For other reasons the relationship often didn't last long enough for the sex to get bad.

I have had a good sex life.

However, I have not had sex since my dental surgery. It has been five weeks. Suddenly when I can't have sex is when I desperately want it. Is this what it feels like in a long term relationship? I am not enjoying it.

I am "taking care" of business. Regularly. Actually more than regularly. So often that I truly feel like I am seventeen again. My mouth feels mostly healed. I think another two weeks. I was going to wait a full two months. I have decided to shorten my time line.

Snow Days

I have a snow day. I love it. When I was little we had lots of storms and would have several snow days a year. I loved them. We would go outside and play. Mom would be home. The house would feel so warm and cozy and safe against the wild elements. I loved those days. And today we have been blessed with one.

My office closed early. I am sitting in my loft, the fire going, a glass of red wine. I am going to clean out my closets. There is something wonderfully ironic and romantic about getting rid of your winter clothes, the ones that have hung in the closet all season, and you never wore them. Plus you try on your spring things just to see how they still look. Which items are keepers and which ones are "what were you thinking".

Piles get created. Keep. Maybe. Go. There is a little lift in your step as you think about spring watching the snow swirling outside your window and the city slowly being blanketed by mother nature. It is a gentle but firm blanket today. I guess she's in a good mood. Who knows how she will wake up tomorrow.