Restless

It has been a tripy weekend that has left me restless. I hate this feeling. I am throwing so much energy into moving forward. New job, will soon move to my new place, doing the bike rally has brought focus into my "get healthier" kick. But the past, as much as we want to leave it behind, somehow continues to haunt us. Friday night I went out to a movie with someone I dated last summer. Someone I cared very much for. Someone I loved just for who he was.

It was weird. Walking to his place. The same doorman. Really the same energy between us. We were always just comfortable together. I guess I am haunted by the fact that during the time we dated he never let me in. He included me in activities, but never really let me in.

I was glad for the evening and loved spending time with him. It was more that it left me with the feeling once again that I love people that find it so hard to accept love. I see the pattern. It is so clear. I wonder if it is left over from my relationship with my mother. There is someone that constantly pushes away the love I have to give her. I have never been able to figure out what she is so afraid of and have stopped trying. In the process, over the years, I have found another mother in my friend Vicki. It is true and would break my mother's heart. But it is also true that you can only push someone away so many times and then eventually they stop coming back. I am grateful for Vicki, who has provided me with so much guidance.

But alas, my love life. It seems there is also a pattern of loving people that won't let themselves be available. I think it is perhaps because that is the only way I had learned how to love. To keep giving it all and having it rejected. Sounds painful? It is.

But perhaps it is because these people do push love away is what makes me want to give them more. To let them know it is okay to love. Completely. Freely. I wonder if they are afraid that one day it may go away. I wish I could teach them that it doesn't. I still love every person that I have ever loved. Whether they are still walking amongst us or whether I haven't spoken to them in years. I still love them. And I want nothing in return for the love I feel other than it not to be so scary for some of them.

It is rare for me to ever say this, but tonight, I wish I wasn't me.