Sex

As my 44th birthday fast approaches I find myself most confused with the current sexual explosion and once again in life I find myself not fitting in. On good days I like to believe that I lead and eventually others will follow. On great days I like to believe that people will actually listen to me. On bad days....well...I just feel sad.

When did sex became such a game? People will gamble their marriages. People will gamble their lives. People will sell it. People will buy it. I myself am not having it. Yes I realize that I am a sexual creature. And yes I miss it. Sex and love have always gone hand and hand with me. There is nothing one can do about that. Yes you can try and change your paradigm of sex and love but for me it is part of the core of who I am. And that is something that I am not interested in changing.

This year alone I have dealt with a couple of friends testing positive. That is hard for me. What do you say? I want to say "what where you thinking?" but I bite my tongue and listen. I have dealt with a friend finding out about her husband's infidelity and the damage that has had on her. For a blow job one is willing to throw away a home, a wife, kids? And please do not say that there must have been other things wrong in the marriage. At this point in life you must have discovered that there are lots of things wrong....it is about how you manage them.

I miss the time when sex was something more innocent. And loving. A casual fuck just to get off....well....not saying I haven't been there but I just can't see myself ever there again. I want more for me.