Where There's Smoke....

So I am not smoking. It has been 10 days and all goes well. Of course I am medicated. I just gave up trying to do it on my own and finally asked my doctor for a prescription. It is pretty incredible really. You pick a start date within 14 days of starting the medication and then just do it. So my brain waves and moods are currently being altered by both the commencement of the drugs and the ceasing of the nicotine feed. I must say that I feel calmer than I have been in a long time and that is saying a lot as I feel like I have been going mad over the last three years. I like the pills....I am sure I will hate giving them up at the end of 12 weeks. Do I miss smoking? Not really. I had past the point of hating myself for smoking and was just around the corner from plain hating myself. Hating myself for breaking every commitment that I was making with me. This Monday I will stop or this Monday I will start reducing how much I smoke was a weekly ritual that fell apart within 15 minutes of starting every Monday. I was dissolving into thinking of myself as a complete failure in life. So I can honestly say my self esteem has greatly improved. Feeling level is pretty fantastic when you have been feeling low. With that said there are certain windows when I crave one and start making deals with myself. I honestly believe that I will smoke again. From time to time. Similar to how some people do recreational drugs. From time to time. I will never be able to keep cigarettes in my home. The deal I have made with myself is that at some point in the future when one of my friends comes over for an evening who socially smoked with me I will make them bring cigarettes with them. We will smoke a few with martinis and then throw them in the garbage. It will be a treat. I believe I can handle that but who knows. I am not near ready to try that experiment yet. I was hoping to write a book about stopping smoking. It was going to be clever and witty and a best seller. Until today when at the book store I found out David Saderis new book deals with that very subject so another dream up in smoke. But all is not lost. I bought a guitar last weekend. I figured that I would need something to do with my hands in the evening and decided I would learn how to play the guitar. So now there's a new dream.....it's Nashville or bust.