Dreams

I woke this morning before six and felt sad, lonely and unhappy. I couldn't shake the feeling. I got up and had a cigarette and watched the sun come up. I tried to think positive thoughts. I tried to find the good in a recent experience. Nothing. I went back to bed. Tossed and turned and thought about getting up. I fell back into a restless sleep and dreamed. I often don't remember my dreams but I remember this one.

I was in two places. My past and present. My present was there and I knew it was there, but I was clearly in my past. I was in my old house. There were bugs everywhere and the place was dirty. I tried to vacuum up these big black bugs and then the wire to the vacuum cleaner become suddenly cut and I couldn't vacuum up the bugs anymore. My mother suddenly appeared in my dream and started verbally attacking me. But I was also aware my present was there. I knew I had my new place and could go there. For some reason though in my dream I didn't go. I stayed in my past. I woke up. Everything become so clear. It is amazing what we learn from our dreams.

I have carefully made choices over the last two years in regards to changing my life. Some of my choices turned out to be foolish, but most of them turned out to be really wise. It is funny sometimes how we get to where we are supposed to be in spite of ourselves.

I have also carefully chosen who I will be bringing with me in my new life. I have packed them up like treasured heirlooms. I appreciate all my past experiences, but there are times my past still seems truly frightening to me. My dream reminded me of this.

So forward I go. Happily.

I Wear My Life

I Wear My Life
Right on my sleeve
Who I am is no mystery
Where I've been has left a mark on me
I'm not one to try and hide
Or keep it all locked up inside
I Wear My Life

PRIDE

It is Pride weekend. For the first time in all the years I have lived in Toronto, Pride really means something to me. It is not pride in being gay. That is something that I simply am. It is having pride in who I am. Period.

Elysium: any place or state of perfect happiness; paradise

Music plays an important part of my life. My two favourite artists are Rosanne Cash and Mary Chapin Carpenter. Their music speaks to my heart and soul and often guides me through life.

On my cycle ride yesterday this Mary Chapin Carpenter song played on my ipod. I cried. At this moment in my life I find myself in Elysium. These words rang so true to me.

"I don't really know how I got here this time
I was only just following orders
Listening to the voice in my head
Saying stay clear of margins and borders
So I wasn't thinking of where I would go
On a cold afternoon through the mountains I drove
Up a few hairpin turns and then spread out below
The valley appeared with the sun
Like Elysium

I looked out the windows and stared at the fields
Where the blue sky and green were colliding
I looked back at me and knew I was sealed
By a fate that has ways of providing
Yes sometimes you get there in spite of the route
Losing track of your life and what it's about
The road seems to know when to straighten right out
The closer you come
To Elysium

They say there's a place for those who are good
With its pearly gates swinging wide open
The rest of us here are just knocking on wood
Quietly, piously hoping
I could wonder if all of it lead me to me
I could show you the arrows and circles I drew
I didn't have a map, it's the best I could do
On the fly and on the run
To dreams that were tethered like kites to the ground
To the bridges I burned, to the turning around
It was here in my heart I was finally found
And the last battle won for Elysium"

Finally Home

I am home. I know that. As soon as I unlocked the door and walked into this empty space it washed over me like a gentle rain. I am home. I am even surprised by how much I love my new space. I keep crying. I have no idea where that comes from. There is absolutely nothing I want to change. The universe keeps conspiring to give me exactly what I want. I am so grateful for that. It has been rocky for so long. There is a sense of peace and calmness. It's me. The perfect place to embark on the next phase of my life.

One of Those Days

Did you ever have one of those days when life was a magical, mystical, enchanted forerst? I had one of those days.

The Loft Experience

2 years, 1 month and 10 days I have lived in my loft. Living in the loft has been an experience on so many different levels. These two years have shaped my life more than any other two years of my life todate. I sit with my life packed up in boxes. In a matter of days I will leave here. Take all my expereinces, lessons learned and memories and step into my future. I will be so glad to have a home again. This never felt like my home and I guess I didn't want it to. It was a place to transition in. I am glad to leave here a different person than the person who moved in. I do like this person better. I have loved my time here. But it is time to say goodbye. And I leave with forgiveness, hope and the great beyond.

Standing Still

Someone recently said to me that I was in transition. I had to laugh considering my tag line is "constantly changing". The fact is right now I am standing still. So perhaps when you are constantly changing, standing still is a transition. The doors of my past are open and the sweet voices beckon me back. Yet I stand still. The allure of turning around is constantly there. Sometimes I want to walk right back into my past with open arms. But I stand still. My future is before me everyday. The doors are also open. Yet I stand still. I feel like I have always either been running from something or running towards something. Right now I stand still. And it's not a bad thing.