Dancing With The Stars

I have fallen in love with Dancing With The Stars. I have not really watched any tv in a long time. There has not been anything on that interests me and anything that does interest me I watch on dvd. The whole reality wave that has taken over tv does not interest me in the least. My surrogate mother got me watching Dancing With The Stars last week and I became addicted. I actually cry when watching it. They put a lot of work into training and preparing each week. I love it because they are doing it for the love of dance. They aren't trying to become somebody or trying to become rich or trying to find a life partner. They are just there to dance as best as they possibly can. And what can be more entertaining, fun and feel good all over than dancing. I think the world needs a dancing day, where everyone in the world does nothing but dance for the day. The collective energies of everyone dancing in the world can only have a positive impact.

Facebook/Life/Jann Arden

A few weeks ago a friend sent me a request (I guess it is called that) to be his friend on Facebook. I didn't even know what it was so I did nothing. Then the term "facebook" started popping up everywhere. I even read an article about it in the Globe. I wasn't all that interested. I have my blog and that is enough. However this week I received a request from another friend. This friend and I have not be in contact for the last six months. We both have our own reasons. I had made three or four attempts at the beginning of our end, but they were ignored. So I decided I was curious enough about Facebook now to register and find out what it was all about. This is the dialogue that passed between us during a two day period.

Friend: "Wow, whoosh"
Me: "I don't understand"
Friend: "Oh"
Me: "If you want to talk to me, feel free. But this is cryptic"
Friend: "Not cryptic, just playful. How are you?"

That was it. I didn't respond after that. I always wondered if we would be in contact again and what it would look like and how it would feel. I felt indifferent. Now for Jann Arden. I love her. I read her journal that she posts online. By coincidence she had posted this a few weeks back:

"I received an email from a guy I used to work with, a few weeks ago. I have not talked to him for, well, it’s got to be going on 9 years. It didn't end well 9 years ago with him and I. Anyhow…he said that he thought "It was time to change the dynamic of our relationship." It was strange to see his thoughts there on a computer screen. I am not the person he thinks I am. I was never the person he thought I was. My indifference surprised me somewhat. I do not want to look back anymore at anything or anyone. I am going forward. He will just have to find whatever it is he is looking for inside of himself. I can't change the dynamic of anything. Perhaps there was a time when I thought it would be good to go for a coffee and talk and, I don't know, see each other, but that time is so far behind me it's not even distant, it's all but gone.

I have thought that if his note would have perhaps started with some kind of accepting of responsibility for his actions, that I would have reacted differently. But some things do not change. Static is all I can say about him, and that. It was just that same tone of "I didn't do anything wrong." Maddening really. But completely unimportant. Forgiveness isn't for those who have wronged you, it is for you. I have never forgotten reading that somewhere. I think it was a Marianne Williamson book…I wish I knew the title. I do remain grateful for every single thing he ever did for me, but I do not feel forever in his debt. There is a huge difference between the two. Feeling in debt, and feeling grateful…polar opposites."
(taken without permission...I always wonder if my blog will get me sued)

Those words rang so true to me in this situation. I wonder if the contact had been different than a facebook message that started with a "wow, whosh, ok". Those really mean nothing to me. The person is hiding behind an internet site.

I have decided that I don't care for Facebook. To me it is just another tool that allows us to not cumminicate. But I still love life. And I still love Jann Arden. And I see her in concert on Thursday.

Assumptions

It has been a week of bad assumptions. We all make so many assumptions everyday. It is funny how most of them seem to be wrong, but on and on we go making them. It would bore you if I went ahead and listed them all so I will pick the main one that impacts me this morning as I get ready for another training ride. Last week I assumped that my team left me behind during the ride. I ran into two of the guys from my team last night at the grocery store. Turns out they didn't leave me behind. They got lost. Apparently reading a map isn't one of their strengths. I am gald I wasn't with them. Last weeks ride was so unenjoyable because of the cold the thought of cycling extra kilometers because of being lost I am sure would have been enough to make me cry.

Bike Rally - First Training Ride

Yesterday was the first training ride for the Bike Rally. Right up until yesterday morning I wasn't sure if I would do it. I know that it is important to start training but I needed to wait and see what the weather would be like. I had decided that I needed to have my frist ride be a good experience. I equate it to sex. If the first time you have sex with someone and it is bad...do you really want to do it again? Probably not. Same goes for the bike rally. So the sun was shining, perfect. There was no way I was doing the training ride if it was raining. So I got there bright and early and stood around. Talked to a few people but mainly observed. They are a bit of a cult. I wonder if I will turn into one of them before the ride is over. It is hard to imagine, but I might. God I hope not.

I met my team and we started the ride. My team left me behind. I never saw them again. So I cycled alone for a while. I hated it. My hands were cold. They never got warm. Whoever said you will warm up once you start cycling lied. I never warmed up. I just kept getting colder. One body part at a time. First my hands, then my feet, then a hill and I would sweat, then I would freeze all over. Cycled through industrial Toronto to Markham. And back again. Nothing to see. Hard to believe people live in this part of Toronto, but they do. Eventually hooked up with five other riders and we became our own team. We all cycled at the same speed. We could never see anyone ahead of us or any one behind us, but they were fun. So that part was fun. And the last couple of kilometers. There is nothing like a seeing a finish line to make you feel great and proud.

Today feel pretty good. Thought my legs would be more tired. Or my lower back. Or my butt. But everything feels great.

Thanks to those of you who have supported me in the ride. Your generosity is greatly appreciated.

Easter Sunday

Depending on your religious beliefs, today is a holiday. Friday night on my way to Resurrection, my cab driver asked me the meaning of this holiday weekend. Since I was wearing leather chaps, on my way to a leather party on Good Friday and I believe in spirituality over religion, I was probably not the best source. I tried my best from what I could remember from Sunday school and explained that on this day Jesus died. On a cross for our sins. And on Sunday they rolled away the stone and he was gone or alive, those details are a little fuzzy. He was kind enough then to explain his belief in his God. I didn't quite understand his belief but am glad that he has one. I think that it is important to have a belief. And I think that it is personal. I believe that you have to develop your beliefs on your own. It cannot be something that you are taught or are told because that makes it someone else's belief that you are following. It is like believing in yourself. Only you can really do that. Having other people believe in you is great but you need to believe in yourself for it to have real value. Believing in your beliefs is part of believing in yourself. You need not have anyone else share in those beliefs. They are yours. If you need to convince me of your God, it makes me feel that you don't quite believe in him yourself. That you have a need to get as many people on side so that if the majority of the people say it is true, than it must be. I simply believe that there is something else. I do not need a full explanation or a scripture to follow I just believe. I also believe in love, in goodness, in forgiveness, in making mistakes, in learning and in growing. Those are some of my beliefs and I hold them dearly. And they are mine. So today celebrate your beliefs and let others celebrate theirs. Happy Easter.

Happy Fucking Easter

I am not big on any holiday season. I like the time off work. It's a nice break. But the inevitable family drama developes that makes me start to hate that family is involved with holidays. My mother really does try so hard. In her way.

To weeks ago my she called me to inform me that Easter would be on Saturday at 1:30. Good. Deal. Done. I continue with my life. Busy making plans for the rest of my weekend. Thursday I will go to my friend Michelle's and hang out. Drink wine and smoke, catch up. I haven't seen her in a while. Friday I was arranging brunch with my friends, Roy, JB and Mark. Go to the gym. Friday night was going to be something low key as going to my parents the next day. Lunch with the family on Saturday...fly with the boys on Saturday night. Sleep most of sunday. I love sleeping all day on a sunday when I don't have to work the next monday. And monday hang out around home. A little laundry, pack a little, clean out my closets. What a perfect weekend. I was so looking forward to the holdiays. Fun.

My mother called Monday and left a message that the lunch was moved to Friday. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. There is a good reason. My niece has some soccer thing on Saturday. So of course she moved it to Friday. I understand. I know this sounds simple but I am not prepared to change my plans. Mostly based on principle. There is a little more to the story. I also turned down a couple of other invitations. Things I really wanted to do. I feel I had made my compromise. I made myself available for Saturday. I am not free Friday. That's all. But it hurts her. For that I am truly sorry. It makes me feel like crap. But I also need her to respect me. I also feel like I have the ying and yang in me at all times. My choice makes me happy. Yet that same choice hurts someone else. Happy fucking Easter.

A Lovely Read

Every now and then a book comes along that you just love. You can't wait to get home at the end of the day, pour yourself a glass of wine, curl up on the couch and drift away. I have just finished reading such a book. "Good Grief" by Lolly Winston is the book. I often find when reading it also involves what you bring to the book. Your own personal experiences. How you relate to the main character. The lead character, Sophie Stanton, is rebuilding her life after her husband dies. Finding herself starting over again at the age of 36, finding herself doing things that she never thought she would and beginning to love her life again. Anyone who has had to rebuild their life, regardless of the circumstances, will appreciate the honesty, the humour, the tears, the joy of rebuilding a life. A highly recommended read and an exceptional first novel.

April Fool's Day

I have reviewed my personal goals for the first quarter and since it is April Fool's Day it is also time to check in on my astrological predications for the year. Some people say that it is foolish to believe in Astrology, but I have been a fool for far lessor things.

1) Serious. Yep, lately anyway. So first resolve to enjoy life again.
Hmm...I do laugh a lot more, especially at life, so I guess I am enjoying life more again....would like to laugh even more......

2) Aim for romance, romance and more romance from June to September.
Ok....hasn't happened yet, it is nice to have something so delightful to look forward to.

3) Choose one of those playmates and have a real true relationship by November.
Glad that one is a long ways off....right now couldn't even possibly entertain the thought of dating someone.

4) Turn your most-loved hobby into a part-time income at least.
I truly have no idea what that prediction relates too....so will see.

5) Make it the way you earn your daily bread by the time you hang your misteltoe.
Fuck I have no idea what the stars are saying.

So all in all, the stars have not had a big impact in the first quarter.